


nobody said it was easy (no one ever said it would be this hard)

by gay_briella



Series: Our Own Fate & Destiny [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Happy Ending ... ?, Love/Hate, Murder, Slow Burn Clexa, Smut, Violence, au - modern day
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 15:51:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 35,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5169593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gay_briella/pseuds/gay_briella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last two years took a toll on them and changed them. They know nothing about each other’s lives and as much as it hurts them, both women knew they were staring at a stranger’s eyes. They were strangers who once had what they thought was an unbreakable friendship until fate and destiny decided otherwise.</p><p>Was it really possible to go from knowing someone so well to the point where you absolutely know nothing about them?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 730 Days

_Ring! Ring! Ring!_

_Unknown Number_

_Clarke pressed the answer button and brought the phone up to her ear._

_“Hello?”_

_There was a second of silence that was replaced by soft breathing sounds._

_“Hello? Who is this?” Clarke asked but she was still met with silence._

_“You’re wasting my time, here. I’m going to hang up no--”_

_“It’s me, Clarke._

_Clarke froze. She knew that voice. It’s been over two years since she last heard her voice but she knew it like her own. Letting out a shaky breathe, she swallowed the lump in her throat and spoke, “Lexa?” The blonde could feel the tears building up and she let them fall. “Where … Lexa where are you?”_

_“I gave in to my weakness. I just needed to hear your voice. Good bye, Clarke.”_

_“No, Lexa, wait.”_

_“Maybe someday we’ll meet again.”_

_“Lexa, plea--”_

 

Clarke woke before the sun was even up; though that has been an easy task for the past two years, since she could barely sleep. She’s been awake and staring at her window for an hour now, watching the sky change colors as the sun made its appearance only to be replaced by dark clouds.

 Her dreams won’t let her get more that a few hours of sleep and during the day she tried to get as much surgeries as she could. She quickly realized that if she spent too much time alone and not doing anything, all she could do was think about a certain brunette with green eyes. So after a month of wallowing and crying and desperately trying to find the woman she loves with no success, she buried herself with her work and started to build walls around her. She became closed off and kept her distance.

For the past 730 days, work was the only thing Clarke Griffin did.

For the past 730 days, Clarke Griffin has been working and living on autopilot.

 

Wake up.

Go to work.

Go home.

 

And do it all over again.

She could forget about her during the day, she has her patients and surgeries to keep her busy all day long to keep her mind from wandering someplace she’d rather not think about.

But in moments like these, when she’s laying on her bed, wrapped in a blanket, in moments these this when all there is the sound of rain hitting the window, these are moments when she lets her walls down and lets herself be vulnerable. These rare moments are where she lets herself feel the loss, the anger, the sorrow, and everything else she kept bottled up in the presence of others.

The sudden sound of her phone ringing made her heart shoot straight up her throat, the dream she just had coming to the front of her mind. She unwrapped herself from the covers and blindly felt for phone on the nightstand. Once her fingersgrasped the device she snatched it and answered, not bothering to look at the caller I.D.

“Did you sleep?” said a voice on the other line.

Clarke didn’t realize she was holding her breath until she heard Raven’s voice. She felt a pang of disappointment when it wasn’t the voice she’d been longing for, but it was quickly replaced with anger and guilt for even hoping she’d hear that voice again.

“Yeah.” Clarke replied. Her voice was still raspy and thick from the few hours of sleep she had managed to get.

“I’m coming over.”

“Rae, I’m okay. This day is ju--”

“It’s June 21. You’re not okay. I’m coming over.”

It was her day off and she had planned to spend the whole day cooped up in her apartment catching up on her TV shows while drinking herself to oblivion and stuffing her stomach with as much cheese pizza she could. _I could still do that,_ she thought to herself, _the only difference is that Raven with be watching me like a hawk._

The call ended and Clarke groaned. She lazily threw her phone across the room and it landed with a soft thud on the carpeted floor. Clarke rolled on her back and stared at the ceiling. The sound of rain echoing all around her andbecame too distracting for her. She pulled the covers off of her and got out of bed, her feet taking her to the bathroom in the hall across her bedroom.

Clarke was in the middle of rinsing her shampoo when her thoughts began to wander. She couldn’t keep doing this, not anymore. She needed to stop and just forget about her. She needed to forget those emerald eyes that invade her dreams every night, she needed to forget the voice that she once got so used to hearing every day; it has been two years since she last heard Lexa’s voice.

Two years.

She needed to let go. She needed to move on.

_But how do you forget someone who took a piece of you with her when she left you?_

Clarke shivered as the water ran cold. She turned the shower off and dried herself with a towel, wrapped it around her, walked back to the bathroom and got dressed. After getting dressed, Clarke made her way to the living room and sent a quick message to Raven.

_Clarke: Make yourself useful. Bring me pizza and ice cream._

_Raven: Got it, princess. Anything else?_

Yes. Find Lexa.

Clarke: _No. Thanks, Rae._

_Raven: I’ll be there in about 30 minutes. I love you, princess._

Clarke rounded the couch and sank into the soft cushions. She felt a pang of guilt when she read Raven’s last message.

This is why she needed to forget about Lexa.

This is why she needed to move on.

_How was it possible to love two different people at the same time?_

She noticed the piece of folded out paper on the coffee table and the half empty bottle of vodka. They were exactly where she left them last night. She picked the paper up and stared at it. She lost count on how many times she has read the letter in the past two years; the paper itself was starting to tear at the lines from being folded and unfolded so many times over. Clarke knew every word, every sentence, and every punctuation mark written in this piece of paper that she could recite them without reading it. It felt like her heart was being ripped out of her chest every time she reads it. She wonders if there will come a day where she can read it and feel nothing. She highly doubts it.

_Is love enough to hold onto something that may never come back?_

A knock on her door brought her out of her thoughts. She stood up and made her way to the front door and opened it. Outside stood Raven Reyes balancing three boxes of cheese pizza on one hand and holding a plastic bag of tubes of ice cream and Clarke could see a bottle of vodka in there as well.

“Hey there.” Raven greeted. She kissed Clarke on the cheek and entered the apartment.

* * *

 

They were on the couch. Raven was seated at one end and Clarke was sprawled out on the couch, her head was rested on Raven’s lap and her legs hanging on the other end. Raven’s hand was softly stroking the blonde’s hair while her left hand was on Clarke’s hand, their fingers intertwined. An episode of Grey’s Anatomy was playing on the TV in front of them and their eyes were glued to the screen, watching the awkward dinner party. Pizza boxes were piled on the floor, tubes of ice cream and two bottles of vodka littered the coffee table in front of them.

Clarke turned on her back and stared up at Raven. She reached up with her free hand and traced the brunette’s jaw with her finger. A smile appeared on the other girl’s face but she kept her eyes on the TV.

“Rae?”

It was barely above a whisper but Raven heard it nonetheless and tore her eyes from the screen and looked down at Clarke, “Yeah?” Blue eyes locked on brown. Clarke felt a warm feeling start in her heart and was slowly spreading across her chest and enveloping her. And in that moment, she made a decision. She cupped Raven’s cheek and smiled when Raven turned her head and kissed her palm.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Everything.”

Clarke’s voice broke with the single word and silent tears streamed down her face.

“For being here. For not giving up on me. For loving me. For staying. I pushed people away but you’re still here. You didn’t allow me to fall into an abyss I didn’t know I was falling into deeper and deeper each day since Lexa left. I haven’t allowed myself to feel anything and I have been unfair to you. I’m so sorry, Raven.”

She pulled her hand away and wiped at her tears. She heard the woman above her sniffle and she saw her wiping at tears as well. Clarke sat up and faced Raven, taking her hand in hers.

“I can’t do this anymore, Raven.”

Raven’s eyes went wide, “Clarke, what are you--”

“Just let me finish, please.”

Raven nodded and bowed her head down.

“Look at me, Rae.”

The brunette shook her head.

Clarke sighed. She cupped both of Raven’s cheek and lifted her head, looking straight into Raven’s eyes.

“I can’t do this to myself anymore. I’m letting her go. I’m sorry it took me so long but I’m letting go now.”

Clarke leaned forward and pressed her forehead against Raven’s, closing her eyes.

“She doesn’t deserve my heart.”

Clarke leaned in closer, their lips millimeters apart.

“But you do.”

And with that, Clarke closed the distance between them and their lips met in a soft, gentle kiss.


	2. Kiss Me Slowly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything after the double lines happened a year ago.
> 
> Trigger Warnings for smut, blood, and attempted suicide.

Blinking her eyes to adjust to the light streaming in through the bedroom window, Raven squints and looks around. It took her less than a second to realize where she is and a smile appeared on her face. The brunette rolled on her side to find a certain blonde peacefully sleeping beside her. She props her head up with a hand and silently looked at the sleeping woman, committing everything to her memory; the curve of her jaw, the slope of her nose, lips slightly parted. In the past year since Clarke and her got together, they’ve spend nights in bed together but when morning comes, the blonde would be nowhere in sight. Raven could count in one hand how many times she woke up next to the blonde; the first one was the day Clark was released from the hospital a year ago and the second one was when they first slept together, and this would be the third.

Raven slightly pulled at the covers and revealed the blonde’s chest with marks here and there; she ran a finger over them and saw goosebumpes appear on the soft skin beneath her fingers. A soft hum came from the blonde and Raven stopped her movements.

“Clarke, are you awake?”

There was no response. Clarke’s chest was steadily moving up and down, proof that she was still asleep. Raven grinned as she fully pulled the covers off of the sleeping woman and she can’t help but drink in the sight in front of her. Clarke was beautiful. No. Scratch that. Clark was breath-taking. Raven was sure if someone would put on a stethoscope and listen to her heart right now, they’d hear nothing. Last night was beyond amazing, but this, seeing Clarke bare and unguarded and so peacefully makes her heart clench in the most delicious way possible. Some people love to see art, mountains, sunrise, sunsets, but the sight of her right now, this right here at this moment …. this is the most majestic thing she had laid her eyes on. 

Reaching forward again, she softly ran a finger up the blonde’s leg to her hips, observing the blonde as she did. She did not wake, only stirred lightly. She moved her finger higher until it reached Clarke’s breasts and she slowly circled her nipple watching it harden. Memories of their activities last night came flooding into the brunette’s mind and her own nipples hardened. She licks her lips and leaned down, taking the blonde’s already hard nipple in her mouth, flicking her tongue over it. A soft moan was heard above her and Raven smiled at how responsive Clarke is even in her sleep.

Clark slightly stirred and was now lying flat on her back, a hand tucked under a pillow. Raven released the nipple in her mouth and grinned when the blonde let out a soft whimper at the loss. Raven plants a trail of light feather kisses on Clarke’s body as she moved down, receiving another soft hum from the woman above her. She slid down further and gently opened the blonde’s legs when she reached the apex of Clarke’s sex. The sight that greeted her made her own core throb and her desire to taste the woman she holds dear intensified as she saw that Clarke was already wet. Without wasting a second more, Raven leaned forward and slowly licked the length of Clarke’s sex. She wanted to devour her, but she restrained herself, they can do fast and rough later, but right now Raven wanted to tease the woman until Clarke wakes from an orgasm that was about to hit her. She circled, flicked, and swiped her tongue over the bundle of nerves as the woman above her started to moan and whimper with pleasure, she can’t help but moan at the exquisite taste of the woman she loves. Knowing that the blonde was going to wake soon she moved her tongue faster and soon enough Clarke’s hips were moving on their own and she felt a hand grip her hair and was pushing her closer to where the blonde wanted her. She dipped her tongue inside the blonde before replacing it with two fingers and she let out another moan at the feeling of the blonde’s walls tightening around her fingers.

“God, Raven” Clarke’s raspy voice laced with pleasure was the thing that made Raven pick up her pace; moving her tongue faster and sucking hard on the bundle of nerves, thrusting faster and curling her fingers just at the right time to hit the right spot to make Clarke moan louder and beg “Oh … Don’t sto—God, yes” the sounds of pleasure coming from the blonde were driving her insane and she was sure that she could come just by listening to it. She moved up the blonde’s body and captured the pulp lips she loved, letting Clarke have a taste of herself on her lips.

“I got you, Clarke. Let go.” Raven whispered softly.

 And Clarke did.

Clarke’s body trembled with the intensity of her orgasm and Raven’s hand was trapped in between Clarke’s legs. Raven swallowed Clarke’s scream of pleasure with her lips and kissed her with all the love she felt for her. When Clarke came down from her high, Raven pulled her fingers out and brought them to her mouth, licking each digit clean. She heard Clarke let out a chuckle and when she spoke, her voice was raspy and thick, “I see you served yourself breakfast in bed.” Raven let out a laugh “What can I say? Last night made me hungry. 

Raven lay back down and wrapped her arm around the woman. Clarke scooted closer and rested her head on Raven’s chest, letting out a soft sigh when she felt fingers massaging the base of her scalp. They lay there in silence, content just to be in each other’s arms. Raven spoke first, her voice soft and gentle.

“Was it true?”

She looked down and saw confusion written on Clarke’s face.

“What you said last night? Was it true? That you’re letting her go? That you’re finally ready to move on?”

The confusion on the blonde’s face turned into understanding and Raven saw the hurt in those blue eyes that she saw every time she looked at them. And she knew, that even if Clarke had finally moved on, that even if Clarke can finally love her, there will always be a part of the blonde that she’ll never have.

Clarke must’ve realized she’d been quiet for too long when Raven let out a heavy sigh and pulled away from her and got off the bed. “Yes.” Clarke blurted out. The brunette stopped walking but didn’t turn around. “I meant what I said last night.” Raven grabbed the shirt that was on a chair nearby and put it on before turning around to face the blonde. Clarke was already sitting up and was holding the blanket up her chest with one hand; she reached out to Raven with her free hand and sadly smiled. Raven walked over but sat at the edge of the bed, keeping a distance between her and the blonde.

“I never asked you to love me the way I love you” Raven finally said. “I never did because I know; I know deep inside you’ll never be able to. And that’s okay.” Clarke was about to talk but Raven held up her hand, “That past two years has been hard. It has been for all of us. We all lost someone close to us.” Raven released a shaky breathe and looked up at the blonde. “I didn’t want to lose you too. And that’s why I stayed. Here. With you. I stayed to be with you because you asked me to.”

She held Clarke’s hand and squeezed it gently, “You know I’d do anything for you, Clarke, if it means it’ll make you happy. That’s how much I love you. Do you remember what I said to you the night you came to me after you got released from the hospital?”

She saw Clarke nod and she smiled at the blonde, “That’s the only thing I ask of you. I’m not saying I’m not happy that you’re trying to move on, I am. You deserve to be happy. I just don’t want us both to get hurt.” Raven brought Clarke’s hand up to her lips and kissed it. “Take your time, princess. Moving on is not easy.”

* * *

* * *

_A YEAR AGO_

 

Raven Reyes was sitting at a table in a small coffee shop, she was just about to beat her own high score when her phone rang and “Octavia” written in bold black letters appeared on her screen. “Goddamn it” she muttered and answered the call, “You better have a good rea--”

“It’s June 21.”

“I have a calendar to tell me what date it is, O.” Raven pick up her cup of coffee and took a sip, making a face when her tongue got slightly burned by the hot liquid. There was silence on the other end and Raven thought the woman hang up on her when,

“It’s been a year since she left.”

Those who are in close proximity of the brunette turned their heads around to look at her when she choked on her coffee and started coughing.

“I know.”

“Are you with her?”

“No. She told me she has surgeries today.”

“She’s not here. I’m at the Ark. Raven; she didn’t show up for work.”

Raven bolted of her chair so fast it was almost knocked over and made a bee line for the exit. She got in her car and floored the accelerator the instant it spurred to life. “I’m on my way to her apartment. Don’t worry. I’m sure she just needed the day off.” She cursed under her breathe when she almost crashed in to the car that suddenly stopped in front of her, “I’ll call you later, O.” The call ended and she threw her cell in the cup holder.

Half an hour later she was racing up the stairs and down the hall to Clarke’s apartment. When she reached the blonde’s door, she hunched over and tried to catch her breath. She knocked twice and listened for any movement on the other side of the door.

Nothing.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

 “Clarke? It’s Raven.”

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

Raven tried to twist the knob and the door opened, “Of course.” She rolled her eyes before entering the place. The scene that was in front of her made her stop dead in her tracks; the coffee table was upside down and was missing one leg, there was a stain on the wall where a picture frame used to be, shards and pieces of glass littered the floor. It was a scene that made Raven’s heart drop to her stomach. “Clarke, what did you do?” she whispered to herself. She rushed to the bedroom hoping to find the blonde there but she found it empty. “Clarke!” she called out.

And that’s when she heard it.

Water?

She padded her way through the bathroom door in the room and slowly opened it. The sound of running water was the first thing she heard and the next was her own scream.

* * *

There was a lot of blood.

Her hands were covered in blood.

Her clothes were covered in blood.

She smells like blood.

The smell made her stomach turn and she threw up right there in the middle of the emergency room.

Hands were suddenly on her and she was lead to a cot.

“Ma’am, are you hurt? Is that your blood?” a voice said.

She shook her head.

“She’s in shock. I think she was the one who brought in the girl with the slashed wrists.” another voice said.

She looked down at her hands that were shaking.

So much blood.

“Raven?”

She looked up from her bloody hands and saw Dr. Abigail Griffin run towards her.

“Oh god. Raven, what happened?”

She was engulfed in a tight hug by the older woman and she could feel her shoulders shake. She was crying.

“Clarke … She … her wrists …” she managed to choke out some words before her sobs made it impossible to talk.

* * *

She was pacing up and down the hall outside Clarke’s room. Abby told her that Clarke lost a lot of blood and if she arrived 5 minutes later than she did, they would’ve lost her.

The door opened and she whipped her head around to see Abby walk out. The woman gave her a sad smile.

“She’s awake. I told her that you were the one who found her. She wants to speak with you.” Abby squeezed her shoulders gently before walking away.

She took a deep breath and entered the room.

Suddenly a pillow was thrown towards her and hit it square on the face.

She looked up and saw Clarke glaring at her, “Why? Why did you save me?” it was barely above a whisper but Raven heard the anger in Clarke’s voice.

“Clarke …” She took a step forward but stopped when Clarke shouted at her not to come any closer.

“I wanted to die, Raven! So why? Why did you? I wanted to--”

“BECAUSE I CAN’T LOSE YOU AGAIN” Raven didn’t realize she had shouted the words until she saw Clarke’s face morph in to something she couldn’t quite decipher. “I lost you once, when Lexa left.” She said in a hushed voice.

She saw the bandages wrapped around the blonde’s wrists and she had to look away.

“I barely got you back, Clarke. You pushed everyone away, including me. I was here for you this past year; I was the only one who refused to let you destroy yourself when everyone else gave up on you.”

Her voice was low, hushed, but the pain and anger she felt didn’t go unnoticed by the two women.

“How can you be so selfish, Clarke? How can you do this to all of us? To me?”

Clarke looked at her and her heart broke when she saw how blank they were.

“You should’ve given up on me like the rest did.”

It was a slap in the face. “Never.”

“Do you want to know why I did it? I can’t take the pain any longer. It’s eating me alive. Everywhere I turn, everything I do, it’s only her that I can think about. You wouldn’t understand, you’ve never loved someone this much, to the point where you’d rather just die than to live everyday without her. That’s why I did it, Raven. I wanted to die.”

“You’re wrong.” She blurted out.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re too wrapped up in the past that you fail to see what’s right in front of you.”

She turned and walked towards the door. Tears were now falling down her face but she didn’t make any move to wipe them.

“You want to know why I haven’t given up on you?”

Raven opened the door and said, just loud enough for Clarke to hear, “I love you.”

She walked out and closed the door.

She didn’t see the shocked face on Clarke’s face

She didn’t see the tears that rolled down the blonde’s face.

She didn’t hear Clarke whisper,

“I’m sorry.”


	3. Going Home

The clicking sounds of fingers over keyboards, the hum of the air-conditioning unit, and the low murmur of conversations around her were the only noise one can here when you enter the bullpen. Alexandria Woods sat on her desk, her green eyes staring out at the window. The sun was slowly setting in and she could see the lamp posts lighting up one by one. The clock on her table read 4:40 PM. The other agents around her were all getting ready to head out and call it a day; probably to return home to their families and loved ones.

Lexa remained seated and watched as the bullpen slowly emptied out; her fellow agents walking side by side, talking and laughing and maybe asking if they have something planned for the evening. One of them asked her if she wanted to go with them to The Cliff, a resto-bar that most of the agents go to on a Friday night. She politely declined the invite, telling them she had dinner plans.

“Woods! Some hot woman is looking for you downstairs.”

She looked up to see her partner, Anya, walk towards her and sit on Lexa’s desk. Lexa rolled her eyes and stood up, grabbing her blazer that was draped over her chair.

“Get your ass off my desk, Callaway.”

Anya stuck her tongue out but did what Lexa said. “So … am I correct in assuming that you’re going out on a date tonight?” Anya wiggled her eyebrows. Putting on her blazer, Lexa turned off her computer and headed for the elevators with Anya behind her.

When Lexa left New York two years ago, she had no idea where she was going. She just kept driving and driving for hours with no destination in mind. That is, until, one morning when she was staring at her breakfast plate that her phone rang. For a split second she thought it was Clarke, she’d been calling her non-stop for the past two days since she ran away. Instead, it was her half-sister, Anya. Lexa should’ve known, really, that Clarke would call every single person in her life just to know where she is. Anya said this and that, how stupid she is and a coward for running away and demanded an explanation on why she did what she did, and so she gave one. In the end, Anya practically ordered her to go to D.C. and that she won’t utter a single word about her whereabouts. A month later, with the help of Anya’s uncle, Gustus, Lexa became a FBI Special Agent. Apparently, Gustus was a close friend of the Deputy Director and called in a few favors to recruit her and fix her transfer. Gustus even made sure that the NYPD would keep her whereabouts classified.

She was placed at the Criminal Investigation Division and was teamed up with Anya together with three other agents; Lincoln, Ontari, and Nyko. For 17 months, these are the people Lexa interacted with every day. Besides her team, Lexa didn’t bother to make new friends, sure she’d go out with Anya from time to time and find a woman to keep her warm for a night but that’s it. Well, that is until she met a certain brunette last month.

“It’s just dinner.” Lexa answered as they entered the elevator. She jabbed the button that will take them down to the lobby.  Anya actually snorted at her answer and shook her head. “Oh, please. You two weren’t as quiet as you thought you were last night.” Lexa whipped her head to look at Anya, her eyes almost popping out of their sockets. Anya let out a laugh and patted Lexa on the shoulder. “That’s alright, little sister. Now I know you have others things to keep you busy other than work.” The elevator dinged and the doors opened, Anya winked at her before walking out. Lexa followed closely behind and huffed. They reached the front desk of the lobby and a brunette woman was seated at one of the chairs in the waiting area of the lobby; she was typing away on her phone while talking to someone on her Bluetooth Earpiece. While Anya and Lexa clocked out, the woman had finished her call. She noticed the two agents and walked over to them.

“Special Agent Woods. Agent Callaway.”

Both agents turned around at the mention of their names and saw the woman standing in front of them. Lexa couldn’t help the smile that tugged at her lips when she saw her. The woman in return smiled back at her and met her eyes.

“Okay. Gross. Stop giving each other the heart eyes.” Anya pushed pass the two and headed for the exit. “Good luck with that one, Costia. This is her first date in years.” She called over her shoulder. The two women stared at her as she exited the building and Costia couldn’t help but laugh lightly and shake her head. She drifted her eyes back to the agent beside her and nudged her softly. “A date huh?” she asked with a smirk. Lexa groaned and she actually blushed – Alexandria Woods does not blush – and she lowered her head in a weak attempt to hide it. “My, my, Agent Woods. Are you blushing?” Costia smirked and snaked her arms around Lexa’s waist and pulled the woman close to her. Lexa huffed and mumbled, “No.” Costia laughed and Lexa swore to every god in this planet that she would do anything just to hear that sound every single day. Slowly, Lexa leaned forward and captured Costia’s lips with her own. She felt the other woman smile and deepened the kiss, causing her to moan slightly. Costia pulled back and seductively whispered in Lexa’s ear, “How about we get this date started and see how this night ends?” Lexa felt her breath hitch and wasted no time in dragging the blonde woman towards the exit and in to her car.

Hours later, they lay naked in bed together, wrapped in each other’s arms, hearts wildly beating, bodies sweaty, and their breaths labored. Lexa placed soft kiss on top of Costia’s head. For months, she settled for one-night stands, a quick release, a body to fill in the emptiness inside of her for a night and to be gone in the morning. But this – whatever she and Costia have right now – was different. Lexa found herself wanting to get to know the woman better. Costia made her want to knock her walls down and let the woman in. It was a thought that scared and excited her at the same time.

“Hey, Cos?” Lexa whispered. She heard a soft hum from the woman in her arms as a response. “I really like you” she didn’t acknowledge the fact that her voice wavered, the fact that when she admitted her feelings it was like a weight had been lifted off her heart.

Lexa felt a kiss on her chest and heard a sleepy voice saying, “I really like you too.” before sleep took over her body.

* * *

“Close the door behind you, Agent Woods.”

The tone that she heard from her boss’s voice made her heart skip a beat and it was enough to set off the alarm bells in her head. She closed the door behind her and took a seat on one of the armchairs placed across the director’s desk. Executive Assistant Director Thelonious Jaha has his back to her; he was facing the floor-to-ceiling window of his office, his hands tucked inside his pockets. Lexa may not like Jaha but she respects him. He was a good man but they didn’t meet eye to eye. Lexa looked around the office; a throw blanket was neatly folded on a couch on the other side of the office, one wall was filled with books, while the other was filled with medals and certificates, his desk was bare of any family pictures except for a photo of him and his son, Wells Jaha, who died in the field. The blinds were open, giving her a perfect few of the bullpen. Jaha never closes the blinds to his office, Lexa likes to think he watches them work, making sure his agents weren’t slacking off. He was always the first to arrive and the last to leave. Sometimes, the cleaners say he doesn’t leave at all. Maybe that couch was his bed during those nights.

“The folder on the desk. Director Marcus Kane personally handed it to me and said to give it to you and your team.” Lexa took the thick and heavy envelope in her hands and stared at the big bold red letters that spelled CLASSIFIED.

Lexa felt her heart stop when she opened the folder. She turned page after page, flipped photo after photo and she could fill her stomach churn. Even the toughest marine in the world wouldn’t be able to stand looking at these photos; bloody carpenter tools blood stains on the floor, jars filled with teeth, photos of different young boys crucified on an X cross, and that’s when she saw it—a photo of the words "Mr 9:42" and a number below it was carved on the boy’s stomach. She closed the folder and snapped her eyes up, looking at her boss, who was now looking at her and waiting for her reaction.

“Why do you have this?”

Jaha walked towards his desk and sat on his big leather swivel chair. He pursed his lips, thinking of what to say next.

“The NYPD asked for the FBI’s help with the case.”

It was as if she was plunged into a pool filled with ice cold water and the air had been knocked out of her lungs, “A case? There’s … There’s a case?” She can hear the tremor in her voice and she was hoping Jaha didn’t notice and if he did then he didn’t care.

“And why me? Why my team?”

Jaha leaned back on his chair and stared at her. Lexa felt herself shiver under the intensity of his stare, “We both know why, Agent Woods.”

Lexa clenched her jaw, “And why is that?”

“You were the detective who closed this case three years ago. I know what happened to his last victim, Bartholomew Miller.”

She froze at the mention of that name. She never talked about him out loud anymore, but there were times when the memories would sneak up on her and catch her off guard.

“That little boy died because of me.”

“That boy died because of the Apostle Killer. He killed 5 boys from the age of 7-9 three years ago in the span of two months.”

Lexa felt her anger rise and she clenched her fist until her knuckles turned white. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. Instead, she saw Bartholomew Miller, his brown eyes staring back at her as she held his little body in her arms, she held him and watched the life slip away from him, and she watched him take his last breath. She watched him died in her arms.

“Lexa?”

Jaha calling her by her name snapped her out of her thoughts. “Sorry.” she muttered. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “It’s just that, these photos … they all look …”

“They found them last night. Three boys all at the age of 8, Andrew Bennigan, Matthew O’Conner, and John Summers. NYPD sent those photos this morning.”

Lexa leaped out of her seat and paced, “What? This can’t be the same guy. I made sure that bastard would rot in a cell for the rest of his life."

“Did you ever consider that Cage Wallace may have an accomplice? Or perhaps an apprentice to continue his work?”

The wheels in Lexa’s head started to turn. _Another Cage Wallace roaming the streets of New York?_ The thought made her want to throw up. She walked closer to the desk and opened the file again.  “They have the same M.O. He used the same cross; he carved the same bible passage and picked up the number where Cage Wallace left off.”

Jaha nodded and stood up, “Take the file and inform your team about the case.”

Taking that as her sign to leave, she grabbed the folder with shaky hands and turned to leave.

“Oh, and Woods?” Jaha called out.

Lexa stopped at the doorway and turned.

“You’re going back home. You and your team are flying to New York tomorrow morning.”


	4. New York, New York

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter with alternating POVs.
> 
> This may be the last chapter for this week. I have some stuff to do regarding college. 
> 
> Enjoy this chapter! xx

_\--Lexa--_

The car pulled up at the entrance and Lexa put the car in park. Lexa unbuckled her seat belt and turned to the passenger seat, “Take care of my car while I’m gone.” Costia chuckled at the agent’s request but nodded and when she looked at Lexa, the agent had a pout on her face.

Lexa picked up the blonde on her way to the airport since Costia instead that she wanted to see Lexa before the agent leaves for god knows how long.

“Cos, I mean it.” Lexa said in an almost a whiny tone; it only made Costia laugh even more.

“You look cute when you’re all grumpy.” Costia giggled.

Lexa rolled her eyes and exited the car. She went around and opened the passenger door. Costia stepped up and stretched, cranking her neck from side to side to ease the stiffness. Lexa’s eyes were immediately drawn to the blonde’s neck, and she unconsciously bit her lip. She heard Costia clear her throat and she was broken off from her lustful gaze. “See something you like?” Costia asked with a raised eyebrow. A yelp escaped Costia when she felt hands wrap around her waist and Lexa pulled her close. “Very much so.” Lexa whispered and capture Costia’s lips in a searing kiss. Both women moaned at the taste of each other’s lip as they deepened the kiss. Costia was the one who pulled away and leaned her forehead against Lexa’s before things got heated.

“Be safe.”

Lexa nodded.

Costia leaned in for a last kiss and stepped back. “Call me when you land?”

“I will.” Lexa popped the trunk open and grabbed her suitcase and briefcase.

When the two women said their final goodbyes, Lexa watched Costia get in her car and drive away. When the car was out of sight, Lexa released a heavy sigh. She felt bad for lying to Costia this morning when the blonde noticed that something was off with her. Everything was going so well; she has a job, she has her friends, and she has this amazing girl that she’s starting to develop deep feelings for. And then this goddamn case was thrown her way and she was suddenly being pulled back to her past.

Lexa made her way to the departure area and to the check-in desk and showed her ticket. The woman behind the desk started typing away and Lexa placed her badge on the counter when the woman started asking a series of question. Those three letters on her badge made the woman clam up in a matter of seconds and gave Lexa her pass. Lexa offered a tight smile and went to find Anya and Lincoln. Ontari and Nyko will stay here in DC and help them from headquarters.

“You look like shit.” Anya remarked as Lexa approached them, dragging her suitcase behind her.

Lexa only groaned and grabbed the coffee Lincoln offered her. She claimed one of the empty chairs and leaned back, “Tell me something I don’t know.” She mumbled and took a sip of her coffee. The bitter-sweet taste of the liquid helped her relxa a bit and she let out a soft sigh. She leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes.

She barely got any sleep last night. After she informed her team about the case they’d be taking, she went straight home and looked over the case file again, and again. Hours later after her 7th or 8th bottle of beer, and when the words and the pictures began to blur, she went to bed and tried to fall asleep. But sleep didn’t come. She just tossed and turned in bed, getting frustrated that she couldn’t sleep. _I’m going back to New York_. _I’m going back to the place where I swore I’d never return to._ It’s the thought that she couldn’t get out of her head since she left Jaha’s office. She gave up on trying to fall asleep and instead she thought about the people she left behind; how would they react? Will they be happy to see her again? Will they be angry? Will she see Clarke?

“Lexa?”

She jolted forward and realized she must’ve dozed off. “What?” She caught side of the clock and saw it was 6:30, still an hour before their flight will be called for boarding. Lexa looked around the airport and she felt her nerves start again. Anya was beside her and gave her a sideways glace. She tried to keep her face passive but she knew her step-sister would see right through it. “What’s going on? Spill.” Anya said. Lexa rolled her eyes but decided it’d be better just to tell Anya.

“You know we’re going to New York to catch this Apostle Killer, right?” She saw Anya nod and continued, “The one we’re going after is a copy cat. The real killer is behind bars until he dies.” She took a deep breath and looked up at Anya, and spoke the truth she didn’t have the courage to say to anyone else, “I was the detective who caught him.” She said in a low tone so that Lincoln wouldn’t hear it but loud enough for only Anya to hear. She saw Anya’s eyes go wide and her eyebrows almost disappeared in her hairline. Lexa would’ve chuckled at Anya’s expression at this moment if she was not so nervous, to the point where her hands were starting to sweat.

“Are you serious?”

Lexa nodded. “Why didn’t you tell us? Or at least tell me?”

At that, Lexa huffed in annoyance. “Do you know what happened to the last victim? Bartholomew Miller?” Anya nodded again and realization dawned on her, “Oh.” The older agent placed her hand on top of Lexa’s and squeezed it gently. “It’s not your fault, Lex.”

Lexa just shrugged and pulled her hand out of Anya’s. “Is that why we got the case?”

Lexa nodded.

A few seconds passed.

“You’re going back to New York.”

Lexa stiffened at that but nodded.

“Do they know?”

Lexa stared at her hands on her lap and played with her fingers, “I asked Jaha not to tell them it was me.”

Anya nodded and left it at that. She knew how hard it was for Lexa to come back to New York.

An hour later their flight was called to board and the three agents stood up from their seats and made their way to the line of people boarding the plane. Two years ago she promised herself she wouldn’t be going back to New York. But now here she is, about to step foot on the plane that will take her back to her past and face the people she left behind. She has no idea if she’ll ever be ready to face them again and as she handed her boarding pass to the flight attendant, she knew there was no going back. Alexandria Woods was going back home.

* * *

\-- _Clarke_ \--

 

Her heart was loudly pounding in her chest as she willed the elevator shaft to move faster. When she got the text from Octavia she wasted no time sprinting out of the hospital, not giving a single care that she was still in scrubs and that she just finished a surgery and that she smelled of blood. She drove as fast as the limit would allow her but it still took her longer than she liked to reach NYPD. The cop at the front desk almost had a heart attack when she yelled at him asking where she can find the medical examiner’s office. She was going through different scenarios in her head, each one getting worse after the other. When the metal doors slid open, she sprang out of the metal box and ran. She burst the door open and Octavia jumped at the sound of the door hitting the wall. “Jesus, Clarke.”

The blonde bent over and tried to catch her breath, “Where … is … she?” she asked in between deep breaths. She ask Octavia on what really happened and Octavia told her; they got an anonymous tip saying they know the location of one of the men that the Apostle Killer is in contact with. When Raven and Octavia arrived, the back-up they called for was still 3 minutes away. Then Raven saw someone run out back and she was on him before Octavia could stop her. Octavia heard gunshots and when she rounded the corner Raven was on the ground and a man was lying in a pool of blood a few feet away. Minutes later, back-up arrived together with an ambulance. Raven fended off the EMTs that tried to check on her and said she’s fine. Octavia pulled her in the car and drove back to NYPD and dragged to her stubborn partner to Abby’s office and said that she will call Clarke if she didn’t let Abby take a look at her.

Clarke was about to ask where Raven is when the door connecting the office to the morgue opened and Dr. Abigail Griffin appeared. “Clarke?” The blonde stood straight up and rushed over to her mom, “Mom …” Her voice cracked and tears were forming in the corner of her eyes. Abby gave her a soft smile and nodded her head towards the morgue. “She’s a little sore but she’s okay.” Relief bloomed in her chest and she felt herself relaxing a bit. Behind her, she heard Octavia muttered “thank you jesus”. A groan was heard from the other room and Clarke slowly entered the morgue. She saw the brunette sitting on one of the metal tables and was leaning on her right hand while her left softly poked her side; the brunette hissed when she hit a sore spot and a string of curse words flew out of her mouth.

“Hey.” Clarke said as a greeting.

Raven looked up and saw the blonde standing in the doorway. “Hey.” She smiled softly at the blonde. Clarke walked over to her and ordered Raven to lift her shirt up. Raven seductively raised an eyebrow and Clarke rolled her eyes. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Reyes. I want to see how bad it is.” She said in a playful tone but knew that Raven heard the concern in it. Raven nodded and lifted her shirt; she let out a soft grunt when Clarke softly touched the bruise that’s slowly turning into a bluish purple color.

“Sorry. This going to hurt a bit.” Clarke said and Raven took a sharp in-take of breath when Clarke ran her finger around it. When Clarke seemed to be convinced that Raven will be okay, she stepped back and pushed the brunette back by her shoulders, not strong enough to send her tumbling backwards but strong enough that Raven felt pain engulf her when she was pushed.

“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?” Clarke shouted. Octavia and Abby heard her and poked their heads to see what’s happening.

“Clarke, I—“

Clarke help up a hand and Raven shut her mouth.

“You could’ve died! You’re lucky your vest caught the bullet. Goddamn it, Raven. You could’ve died!” Clarke didn’t bother to hold back the tears anymore. “How can you be so stupid to just barge in and not wait for back up?”

Raven slid off the table and pulled Clarke in her arms, wrapping an arm around the blonde. “Hey, I’m okay. I’m here.” She softly whispered in the blonde’s ear. Clarke mumble something incoherent and Raven pulled back to look down at her. “What?”

“I said you’re an idiot.”

Raven just nodded and kissed Clarke on the forehead.

“Don’t do that again. I can’t lose you.”

_I can’t lose you too._ The omitted word didn’t go unnoticed by both women.

“Never.” Raven whispered and pulled Clarke back in her arms.

They stayed there for a few moments, content to just be in each other’s arms. Both girls were oblivious that Abby and Octavia were watching them from the office window with a smile on their faces.

* * *

_\--Lexa--_

 

Lexa called Costia the moment they were out of the busy airport, telling her they landed safely and that they were going straight to NYPD to get started on this case as soon as possible. They ended the call with Lexa promising to try and call whenever she can and if things aren’t too busy.

Anya was driving with the help of the GPS. Lincoln was reading a file in the back and Lexa was staring out the window. Two years. Everything still looks the same and she felt her nerves spike up again. What would she say when she sees them again? Will they welcome her with open arms? Or will they treat her like how they treat any other FBI agents who takes over their cases? Just the thought of them giving her the cold shoulder makes her want to throw up. With every mile that they got closer and closer to the station, she became more and more nervous.  She was starting to think that coming back here was a bad idea.

Anya noticed Lexa’s fists and how white her knuckles were. “You okay?”

“I’m perfect.” Lexa lied.

Anya nodded and focused back on the road.

Twenty minutes later the car rolled to a stop in front the familiar building and Lexa climb out of the car, she ran her hands down her pants to smoothed out her blazer and pants, grabbed her suitcase and made her way through the doors, Anya and Lincoln following behind. She turned to the front desk and showed the young cop her badge but pull it away before he could read her last name. The cop nodded and said “Homicide is on the 5th floor. They’ve been waiting for you”. Lexa then walked to the elevator and jabbed the up button and waited for the doors to open. She stepped inside and waited for her companions to enter before jabbing the button for the 5th floor. When the doors closed, her heart started beating frantically, her hands were starting to sweat and tried to brush her palm on her pants in a casually manner but she caught Anya’s eyes and swallowed the dryness of her throat. Anya gave her a reassuring smile just as the doors opened.

“Everything will be fine, Lexa. We’re here to help after all.” With that, Anya walked out the elevator with Lincoln behind her and pushed the door open leading to the Homicide Department and in to the bullpen. Lexa was a couple of steps behind them with her head down. She came to a halt when she heard Anya speak.

“Detective Blake?”

A small brunette woman turned around and eyed Anya up and down. Anya held out her hand, “Agent Anya Callaway.” Realization dawned on the small brunette’s face and she reached out to shake Anya’s hand. “Detective Octavia Blake.”  Anya smiled at her and nodded, then she gestured to where Lincoln was standing, “And this is Special Agent Lincoln Belmont.” Lincoln smiled at Octavia and held out his hand, Octavia shook it and held his hand a little bit too long. Anya noticed how the two looked at each other and smirked; this ought to be interesting.

As if noticing something was amiss, she turned to Anya and asked, “Our Captain told us there’ll be three of you?”

“Yeah.”

The voice alone was enough for Octavia to whip her head around until it landed on the figure standing a few feet back from them. Her eyes grew wide and she almost dropped the mug she was holding. “Holy shit! Lexa?” Disbelief appeared on the detective’s face and walked towards her. “What the hell, Lexa! Where have you’ve been?”

Lexa tried to smile at the brunette’s enthusiasm in seeing her again but she couldn’t, “Washington.” she replied.

“It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too, O.” Lexa said softly. She stiffened for a moment when Octavia suddenly hugged her but then relaxed and hugged her back. She hadn’t expected this kind of welcome from one of her friends and tears started to well up in her eyes. Lexa pulled back and blinked the tears away.

“So you’re with the FBI now, huh?” Octavia asked and gestured towards Lexa’s badge that’s clipped on her belt.

“Long story.” Lexa answered and looked at Octavia. She could still see the disbelief in the detective’s eyes and Lexa had the urge to smack her in the head and tell her to focus on why she’s here instead of staring at her like she’s a ghost. “I’ll tell you everything but right now we have a case to solve a copy cat to catch.”

Octavia nodded frantically and started walking to the room on the other side of the bullpen, “In here.” The three agents followed her and looked around the room; there were monitors on the left wall, tables were filled with papers, and the other right wall was covered with photos of the victims and the crimes scenes.

Lincoln muttered something under his breath and Anya nodded in agreement.

“Can I talk to you? Alone.” Octavia whispered and walked out the room.

Lexa followed her outside and was surprised when she saw concern and anger on Octavia’s face.

“Does she know you’re back?” Octavia asked. Her tone was like a slap on Lexa’s face.

Lexa shook her head, “I think that could wait. We a ca--”

“Things have changed since you left. She changed when you left her.”

Lexa sighed and tried to stop her growing frustration, this is a conversation she didn’t want to have right now. She was about to say just that to Octavia when someone spoke behind her.

“Lexa?”

Lexa froze. She knew that voice. It may have been two years since she last heard it but she knows that voice. Slowly, Lexa turned around and she looked straight into the bluest eyes she has laid her eyes on. She looked straight into the eyes of the woman she loved, the woman she left two years ago. She was looking at the eyes of none other than Clarke Griffin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go hit the comment box and tell me what you think of this chapter ;)


	5. Can We Talk?

  _\--Lexa--_

“Lexa”

The sound of her name rolling out of Clarke’s lips brought back so many memories that the agent tried to forget since she left. Her voice sounded like angels singing and Lexa had to remind myself to breathe. Clarke was standing in front of Lexa, and Lexa couldn’t help but think how beautiful the blonde was. She looked like she hadn’t aged a day.  She was wearing scrubs with her adorable hot pink rubber shoes and hair pulled up in a ponytail. Lexa always thought this was when Clarke was beautiful the most.

“Clarke.” Lexa breathed out. Saying the blonde’s name made her heart flutter and the butterflies in her stomach were flying like crazy.

“Oh. Shit.” Octavia whispered and quickly went back in the room where Anya and Lincoln were busy reading over notes. This was something she’d rather not be involved with and knew that Clarke and Lexa would have a pretty heated conversation.

Words were forming in Lexa’s head but they never made it out of her mouth, she could only stare at the woman in front of her. She heard someone clear their throat and she moved her eyes to the person standing beside Clarke. Raven.

“What are you doing here?” Clarke asked.

Lexa couldn’t hold Raven’s burning gaze and averted her eyes elsewhere, and when she did, she caught sight of their hands and fingers intertwined with each other. Clarke saw where Lexa’s eyes landed and she swore she saw a flash of hurt on Lexa’s face but it was gone just as fast as it appeared. The thin white line over Clarke’s wrists made Lexa’s eyebrow meet and she wondered how the blonde got the scar.

“I’ll leave you guys to talk.” Raven said. “I’m just on the other room. You two should talk” She whispered to Clarke and kissed Clarke before walking in the room Octavia just disappeared into.

Raven’s actions caused even more confusion on Lexa’s part. She wanted to ask the growing question at the tip of her tongue but decided against it. She had no business regarding Clarke’s love life and if she was cheating on Finn with Raven, it’s none of her business.

_Wait, what?_

Lexa’s eyes went wide when her mind finally process what her eyes just saw. Isn’t Clarke straight? Then what just happened between her and Raven? She swore she saw Raven kiss Clarke on the lips, and somehow she knew it wasn’t the first one. They were too comfortable holding each other’s hand and she saw that kiss, something is happening between them.

But how? Why?

Clarke Griffin isn’t the type of person to cheat on someone.  _Or maybe she is_ ¸ Lexa thought,  _a lot can change in two years._

But with a girl?

“When did you get back?” Clarke finally asked, killing that silence that had engulfed them and snapped Lexa from her inner monologue.

Lexa had planned on letting the blonde know she was back in town tomorrow. She expected to see Octavia and Raven at the station since she knew they were the detectives on the case and maybe even bumped into Abby when they go down to the morgue to see the bodies. But she didn’t expect this. She didn’t expect to see Clarke here.

The agent pushed away the thoughts plaguing her mind and dared to look at Clarke. “This morning.” Lexa managed to answer, her voice shaky with hesitation. “I mean …” She cleared her throat in an attempt to keep her voice from shaking, “We were called in to help NYPD with a case...”

Clarke scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. “Called in?”

Lexa nodded and pulled her blazer aside to shower Clarke her badge. “I joined the Bureau”

“And you’re the one they sent?” Clarke asked, shocked evident in her voice. “Does Octavia and Raven know? Does my mom know?” Clarke continued, hurt and anger in her tone. Lexa shook her head. “I asked my boss not to tell them it was me.”

Clarke chuckled humorlessly and looked at Lexa, “So NYPD asks for help and they get you?” The blonde’s voice was dripping with venom and the accusation in her tone did not go unnoticed and Lexa couldn’t bring herself to answer. “What happens after you close the case? Are you going to leave like you did before? Are you just going to pack your bags and go back to wherever you disappeared to for the past two years?” Every word Clarke said felt a stab on Lexa’s chest because it was the truth and she couldn’t deny them. After they close the case, she was going to go back to D.C., that’s where her life is now. She has no reason to stay in New York; or at least that’s what she told herself.

Lexa took a step forward but Clarke backed away, shaking her head vigorously causing the tears in her eyes to spill. “Clarke … please. Can we talk?” Lexa begged, her own eyes were starting to sting with unshed tears. “Let me explain.” Lexa did not care how desperate she sounds, seeing the hurt in Clarke’s eyes made her heart clench and she couldn’t breathe knowing she was the cause of it.

“Why? There’s nothing to talk about.” Clarke snapped.

Lexa cringed at the harshness of Clarke’s tone but she knew she deserved it. “I think you know why.”

“Do I?” Clarke asked bitterly.

“Clarke, I just want to talk. Please.”

“I can’t talk to you.” Clarke whispered as she angrily wiped her tears. “I just … I can’t …”

“You don’t have to talk to me or say anything.” Lexa said, she took a step closer and when Clarke didn’t move she bravely placed her hand on Clarke’s arm, “Just listen to what I have to say.” Lexa’s voice was as fragile as her heart at this moment and all the hidden pain she kept bottle up echoed through her words.

Clarke softly shrugged Lexa’s hand off her arm and shook her head, “Lexa, please. Not now.” The blonde took a step back and turned around to leave. Lexa watched her as she entered the elevator and as the doors close, withdrawing Clarke from her sight, she contemplated on taking the stairs and go after the blonde but then decided against it. Instead she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and calmed herself down. When she looked decent, she entered the computer room and four pair of eyes was on her in a flash. Anya looked her straight in the eyes, asking her without words if she’s okay. Lexa nodded and headed to the picture wall. She pushed her emotions at the back of her mind and placed her walls back up.

“Let’s catch this bastard.”

Four heads nodded and they resumed whatever they’re working on.

* * *

 They spent the whole day digging through evidence, exchanging notes, and looking at crime scene photos, trying to put the pieces together and solve the puzzle, hoping that something will come up and give them a lead on this case.

“Hey, Lexa.” Lincoln called out from the other side of the room.

The brunette raised her head from the file she was reading, “What?”

“What’s the story of Cage Wallace?” Lincoln asked.

“That’s what a case file is for, Agent Belmont.” Lexa said as an answered and returned to read the file in front of her.

Lincoln softly banged his head on the metal table and groaned, “Too much reading.” Anya hummed in agreement and tossed the folder that she was reading back into the stack of folders on the table. “Save our eyes and just tell us what we need to know about Cage.” Anya said.

Lexa rolled her eyes at her fellow agents but took pity on them and decided to just tell them. “Fine.” She huffed.

“How’d you find him?”

Lexa grinned at Lincoln’s question and looked over at Raven and Octavia who also had the same smug grin on their faces, “Bourbon.” The three of them answered at the same time.

“You’re kidding.” Anya said, not believing what her sister and two other detectives just said.

Lexa shook her head and laughed. It may seem like a joke, but it really was true. Cage Wallace, as it turns out, has an expensive pallet when it comes to bourbon. He came from a wealthy family and was spoiled the moment he was born by his father, Dante Wallace.

Dante Wallace was the owner of one of the most well-known art company in New York, The Mountain, and he was known to be kind and understanding. Everyone under his employment would say he treats everyone fairly and made sure all their efforts and hard work for the company will be reward. But unlike his father, Cage Wallace was twisted and dark. From a young age, Cage started to act different from the other kids his age. While others would play, he would find whatever stray animal he could and kill it for fun. Dante thought it would be for his son’s best interest to send him to a boarding school; St. Paul the Apostle Catholic School. And that’s where Cage changed for the worse. The things that happened to him in that school created the psychopath that he is; he was bullied, was beaten, he was sexually harassed by his teacher. The effects of his troubled past created the killer in him. He was in his third year of teaching when he killed his first victim. For some sick and twisted reason that he made up in his head, after graduating college with a degree in philosophy, Cage applied as a teacher at St Paul and worked there. When his father asked him why he wanted to work there when he can do so much more, he simply said, “To return the favor.” There was something in the way Cage said it that made Dante weary of his son’s true intentions but he didn’t dare to utter a single word about it.

“Crazy shit, right?” Octavia piped in after Lexa finished speaking.

“It’s sick.” Anya added. “He targeted young boys, from the ages of 7-9 and he ripped away their innocence and their chance to have a future.”

 They were interrupted by a knock on the door and Lieutenant Indra Hosh entered the room. Lexa sat up straight when she saw the woman and avoided her gaze.

“Lieutenant.” Raven and Octavia greeted.

“Agent Callaway, pleasure to finally meet you Lieutenant Hosh.” Anya said as a greeting and shook Indra’s hand. “This is Agent Belmont.” Lincoln shook Indra’s hand as well. “And this …” Anya jerked her head towards where Lexa was seated.

“Special Agent Alexandria Woods.” Indra said herself.

“Lieutenant.” Lexa replied.

Indra asked for an update on where they were on the case. A mere shake of their heads was enough of an answer for her and she ordered them to call it a day and take some rest and be back at 8 AM tomorrow. “Agent Woods, may I have a word?” Indra said as the other’s exited the room. Lexa shrugged and went back to the seat she was sitting earlier.

“So …”

Lexa looked at her and raised an eyebrow, “So … What?”

“You’re back.”

“I am.”

They just stared at each other for a while until Lexa began to feel uneasy under the other woman’s intimidating stare.

“What do you want, mother?” Lexa said with a sigh.

Lexa rarely called her that after her father died, in fact, she rarely called her that even when her father was still alive. Lexa and Indra didn’t have the best mother-daughter relationship. Lexa wanted to enter the academy but Indra wanted her to take another career that was less dangerous. Her father was the one who stood between them and balances things out.  Both women struggle with the loss and they didn’t know how to deal with the sudden change and it caused them to drift apart from each other. Three years later, her mother remarried and gave all her time to her new family. Lexa didn’t bother to reach out.

“I was worried about you. You just …You disappeared for two years.”

Lexa let out a humorless chuckled and stood up, “Keep fooling yourself that you care about me.” She headed for the door and twister the knob, but the words that came out of her lips made her stop.

“Clarke Griffin will be the starting her fellowship with Dr. Griffin on Monday.”

If Lexa was surprise with this news, she did a mighty job at keeping her face blank as she turned around to face her mother, “What?”

“You heard what I said.”

“Why? Clarke is an amazing surgeon.”

“You’ve been gone for too long, Lexa. Things changed since you left.”

“Will she be working the case I’m on?”

“That’s for Dr. Griffin to decide.”

Lexa left the room without saying another word.

* * *

  _\--Clarke--_

Clarke Griffin spent the rest of the day in her apartment. After leaving the station, she went back to the hospital to get her things and went straight to her apartment. Today was officially her last day as a surgeon at Ark General Hospital. When her co-workers asked her why she was retiring, she said she wanted to expand her knowledge in medicine and explore more. But the truth is … She was doing this to look after her mom. She applied for that fellowship to keep an eye on Abby, who’s too stubborn to admit that she’s sick. She gets to learn more and help victims get justice for their deaths and at the same time make sure her mom doesn’t push herself too much. It’s a win-win.

“Stop pacing. You’re making me dizzy.”

“AH!”

Clarke jumped at the sudden voice and turned around to find Raven leaning on the doorway. “Jesus, Rae. You almost gave me a heart attack.”

“I have other ways to make your heart race.” Raven said and wiggled her eyebrows.

“Shut up, Reyes.” Clarke let herself fall on the bed, her legs hanging on the edge. She felt the bed dip slightly and a few seconds later a hand was stroking her hair. “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing.” Clarke lied.

“Clarke.”

Clarke groaned. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s her, isn’t it?”

Clarke tensed up but didn’t say anything. She was still wrapping her mind around the fact that Lexa is here in New York. She ran when Lexa asked if they could talk, she didn’t know how to react. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know if she wanted to talk.

“She asked me to give you this.” Raven handed her a piece of paper and Clarke looked at her in panic, “and no, I didn’t tell her about us.”

Clarke let out a sigh of relief but when she saw the hurt of Raven’s face, she quickly backtracked. “No, Raven. It’s not that I don’t want her to know about us. It’s just…”

“It’s fine, Clarke. That’s the address of the hotel they’re staying at. She said you might want that in case you change your mind and wanted to talk.”

“I don’t.” Clarke answered too quickly.

“Yes you do.” Raven insisted.

Clarke pulled away from Raven and stood back up, “Jesus, Raven.” Clarke let a frustrated sigh and looked at the brunette sitting on the bed. “Why can’t you just drop it?

“Because I know you. I know you want to talk to her.” Raven stood up and faced Clarke. Both women were aware that their voices are getting louder and that both were getting angry and frustrated with how the other acts. “I saw your reaction when we walked in the bullpen and we saw her standing there.”

“Oh, you want to talk about  _my_  reaction?” Clarke answered back. “You were  _this_  close in punching her square on the face. That’s why you left, didn’t you?”

“And you were  _this_  close in throwing yourself in front of her and wrap your arms around her like she never even left.” Raven countered. “And we both know if Octavia and I weren’t there, you would have.”

Clarke opened her mouth to deny what Raven just said but no words came out of her mouth, she knew Raven was right.

“Tell me I’m wrong.” Raven challenged her.

“Raven …”

“No, Clarke. Don’t even try to deny it. We both know what you want right now and as much as I want you to stay away from her, I will not stand in the way of that. Lexa owes you an explanation and I think she’s ready to give that to you. You do want to talk to her; you’re just too scared to hear what she’s going to say because it’s easier to stay angry but at the same time you want to know why she did it. Just talk to her, Clarke. You both need that.”

Raven walked pass Clarke and opened the door, “I saw the way she looked at you, Clarke. She still loves you.”

Without realizing, Clarke whispered, “No. She doesn’t”

Raven had a sad smile on her face, “She does. But I’m not letting you go, Clarke. If she wants you back, she’s going to have to face me.”  

* * *

  _\--Lexa--_

Across town, Lexa swiped her keycard and entered her hotel room. She flipped a light switch on and the lights in the living room came to life. She took of her blazer and threw it on the couch and headed straight to the bedroom. Lexa took off her clothes piece by piece and left them at the foot of her bed. Once she was naked, she made her way to the bathroom connected to her bedroom and stepped in the shower. She hissed when the water came out too hot. When she fixed the temperature, she stood still under the spray of water and let the sound of water block out her surroundings.

It’s been two years since she had last seen her friends. No one can run forever, she knew the time will come when she needed to go back and face the people she left behind but she didn’t anticipate that it would be this soon. After leaving New York, she didn’t contact anyone. She made sure no one would find her. For two years she lived a life far away from them. Far away from Clarke.

The blonde had shut her out. Although she expect such actions from Clarke, it still pains her to see the hurt in her eyes, to hear the anger in her voice and knowing what she had done two years ago cannot be undone by simply explaining why she did what she did.

She stepped out of the shower ad wrapped a towel around her body and walked back in the bedroom. She wore a comfy cotton pajama pants and a plain white tank top. After getting dressed, she went to the living room and fished her phone out of the pocket of her blazer. She unlocked her phone and smiled at her home screen; it was her and Costia during their first date. Lexa was voicing out her dislike on taking photos but Costia quickly pressed her lips on Lexa’s cheek and snapped a photo. She dialed Costia’s number and sat on the couch while waiting for Costia to pick up.

“Hey.” she heard Costia say.

“Hey.” Lexa answered back with a smile on her face.

“How’s New York?”

They stayed on the phone for hours talking about their day. Lexa felt the stress and the pressure of the day leave her body and she began to feel herself relaxing.

“Your voice calms me.” Lexa said without thinking.

She can hear the smile on Costia’s voice, “Your voice is pretty calming as well, Agent Woods.”

A knock on the door startled her and she looked at the direction leading to the door. The person behind the door knocked again and Lexa stood up. Lexa walked to the door, with her phone still pressed to her ear, and turned the door handle and opened the door.

Her heart went straight up to her throat and she had to blink a few times to make sure she wasn’t seeing things and that it was really her standing outside her hotel room.

“Lexa? Are you still there?” She heard Costia say

“Cos, I’m going to have to call you back.” Lexa said as she ended the call. Her hand that was holding the door handle was turning white on how hard her grip was.

Lexa took a deep breath and met her eyes.

“Clarke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the part about Clarke starting a fellowship doesn't make sense but I needed Clarke and Lexa to have a reason to interact more so that happened. i actually feel like this chapter doesn't make sense at all lmao
> 
> I want to know your thoughts! :)


	6. Say Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get your tissues ready because you're about to get hit by a big ass train filled with Clexa feels. If you want to reach me outside AO3, you can find me on twitter under my username @preciousalycia :)

"I need to know why."

Clarke stood in front of Lexa in her grey sweat pants, a white hoodie that's a size too big, and her favorite converse sneakers. Her hair was slightly damp and was pulled up in a messy bun. Her bright blue eyes were wide and were staring at the brunette standing in front of her, as if she still couldn't believe that Lexa was back. "I need you to tell me why you left me."

"I will." Lexa answered. She stepped aside and opened the door wider, "Do you … Do you want to come inside?"

Clarke nodded and stepped inside. Behind her, Lexa closed the door and walked past her, leading the way to the living room. Lexa cleared the table that's littered with folders and case files and offered the couch for Clarke to sit before heading towards the kitchen. "Can I get you anything?"

"A reason. An explanation."

The hurt and anger in Clarke's voice made Lexa turn around and she met Clarke's burning gaze. "I can do that."

Clarke nodded and took a seat on the couch. Lexa sat at the other end, putting as much distance between them. She looked up and their gazes unexpectedly met, both women saw just a sliver of emotion they were both trying so hard to hide in that unguarded moment. Clarke bit the inside of her cheek and looked away.

Lexa took a deep breath, "Clarke, I … I don't … I don't know where to start."

"You can begin by telling me why you left." Clarke snapped. "And don't even try to tell me the things you wrote in that piece of paper, Lexa."

Lexa flinched when she heard her name come out of Clarke's mouth with so much hatred and anger. There was once a time when her heart would flutter whenever her name came tumbling out of the blonde. But this—this was different. It made her heart stop and she can feel it breaking piece by piece. "I had to." Lexa answered softly, she averted her gaze and bit her bottom lip, trying to keep her overwhelming emotions in check. "I couldn't stay here in anymore. I couldn't continue lying to myself that I'm okay. I needed to leave New York. I needed to get away."

"Get away from what?" Clarke couldn't help the accusation in her tone.

What exactly did she need to get away from? It could be a lot of things; Clarke. Finn. Her feelings for Clarke. The fact that Clarke was getting married to Finn. To prevent herself from feeling the unbearable pain seeing the one you love, love someone else. Lexa could've answered with any of these but instead she answered, "Everything."

"You walk in that precinct after two years without as much as giving us a heads up that you're back in New York? And act like nothing ever happened?"

"I didn't act like that." Lexa countered, her voice slightly rising with the unfair accusation. "I didn't know you were going to be there. If I had …" Lexa paused Clarke looked at her.

"If you had then what, Lexa?"

Lexa bowed her head, "I was going to try to contact you tomorrow."

A dry and humorless chuckle left Clarke's mouth and she shook her head, "What the hell are you expecting me to say then? Welcome back?"

"Clarke, I'm sorry. I was going to call you guys tomorrow. My boss didn't exactly gave me ample time to prepare before flying me here to New York."

"Does the bureau not allow their agents to make phone calls before they go on a case?" Clarke easily countered. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Or did they make you sign a contract saying you can't contact anyone from New York?"

Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed, her frustration growing with how Clarke was acting. "I know I screwed up, okay?"

Clarke stood and towered over Lexa, "Screwed up!?" She echoed. Angry blue eyes were blazing and Lexa could feel the weight of Clarke's gaze. "You left the day I was suppose to get married! You told me you were happy for me and that you would be by my side during that day but then you just … you just left me! You left me, Lexa!" Clarke pointed a finger to herself, her voice breaking with each syllable that leaves her mouth. "You. Left. Me." The pain and anger that was in those eyes made Lexa ache. "You gave up on your job and turned your back on your family. You turned your back on me!" Suddenly there were tears in her eyes and Clarke wiped at them angrily. All those emotions she tried to keep bottled up are starting to pour out. "You denied yourself something that you want and you just left."

Lexa swallowed the lump that has formed in her throat, "I didn't know how to tell you and I was scared how you'd react."

Lexa stood up and took a step towards the blonde and felt her resolve start to crumble when Clarke moved away from her and headed for the door. She quickened her pace and caught up with Clarke just before she could reach the door. Out of instinct, Lexa reached out a hand and held Clarke's arm. It was their second physical contact since they saw each other at the precinct and both women couldn't deny the fact that they know somewhere deep inside they missed the familiar feeling of each other's touch; a touch that they never once thought to be more than a friendly gesture towards each other. But now Clarke spun around and pulled her arm away like she's been burned.

"Lexa." The blonde's voice was low and warningly.

"Did you even think about us?" Clarke asked. "Did you ever wonder what effects your sudden absence had on us? On me? Or were you just thinking about yourself?"

"Clarke, please." Lexa weakly said.

"You didn't even bother to check if I was okay, did you? If your friends were okay these past two years?" The pain in Clarke's eyes were quickly replaced with anger. "Am I not that important to you? For you to leave and not even bother to know what your actions could have caused? Did you even know the effects your absence had on us? On me?" Clarke voice was rising and words were just coming out of her mouth before she can even stop them. "I was miserable. I felt like the other part of me has been ripped away."

Lexa clenched her jaw, "There was never a day that I never thought about you." Lexa knew there was nothing she could say that would make Clarke forgive her. "I didn't know what to do. I needed space. I needed to leave."

"I needed you too." Clarke whispered, every single emotion that was in the blonde came pouring out in that one sentence. "I needed you too, Lexa." Clarke looked up and stared at the brunette in front of her. "I didn't marry him."

Lexa furrowed her eyebrows, "What?"

"Finn. I didn't marry him."

"You didn't marry Finn?" Lexa's eyes went wide and the surprise written all over her face was enough proof that this was the first time she heard about it. "I thought … I ... I didn't know. Clarke, I didn't …"

"How could you know? You made it pretty clear in the past two years that you had no intention to know how we were doing."

"I'm sorry." Lexa didn't know what else to say.

"Like hell you are." The words left Clarke mouth before her mind could even process them and snapped her eyes up to look at Lexa's. She swallowed but she couldn't find the will to take back her words. She was angry. She was hurt. She feels like the world is crushing down on her again. She took a deep breath and dared to ask, "In your letter, you said that …"

"That I was in love with you?" Lexa finished and Clarke gave her a slight nod.

"Yeah. That."

"Do you know what's it like to see someone every single day and think that maybe you found the person that you're suppose to spend the rest of your life with, to feel like you have someone who understands you like no one else can, to be there for you when you're at your best and when you're at your worst?" Lexa asked softly. She hung her head down, she couldn't look at Clarke. "Do you know what it was like to realize that you have fallen completely in love with the one person that you know can never love you back the same way, to see the person you love, day in and day out, and having to watch them fall in love with someone else right in front of your eyes and you can feel yourself slowly breaking inside piece by piece until the pain becomes too great and you just had to find a way out?" Lexa sniffed and wiped the tears in her eyes. "There's nothing harder in this world than trying to fool yourself into believing that you're okay and act like nothing is eating you alive.

"Lexa …" Clarke voice was void of the hurt and anger that was once there just moments ago.

"Clarke. Don't" Lexa looked at the blonde and held her gaze. For the first time since they saw each other after two years, Lexa didn't see anger or pain or hurt in Clarke's eyes. Instead, she saw understanding and yearning. "I know I shouldn't have done what I did. It was selfish of me."

"It was selfish, foolish, and stupid. If you only had been brave enough, if you would have only admitted what you felt, maybe things would be different. A lot has changed, Lexa. As much as I hope we could go back to how things were back then, we're not the same people we were before."

Lexa only stared at Clarke. Whatever words Lexa was about to say died at the tip of her tongue hearing Clarke's word.  _We're not the same people we were before._  The last two years took a toll on them and changed them. They know nothing about each other's lives and as much as it hurts them, both women knew they were staring at a stranger's eyes. They were strangers who once had what they thought was an unbreakable friendship until fate and destiny decided otherwise. The silence between them seems to go on forever. There were so many unspoken words between them that neither of them could find the right words. Maybe some things are better left unsaid. Only time would tell.

"I should … I should go." Clarke said

Lexa didn't try to stop her from leaving this time.

Clarke opened the door and stepped out, closing it behind her. She was about to enter the elevator when she heard Lexa call her name. She turned around and saw the brunette standing in the middle of the hall bare foot and dressed in her pajama pants and tank top. They stood close enough for each other to see the sadness lingering in their eyes but they tried to hide it by giving each other a smile that didn't do a very good job in hiding their true emotions.

"I need to know." Lexa said.

Clarke raised an eyebrow, "What?"

"Are you happy?" Lexa walked closer to Clarke until they were a couple of feet away from each other. "With her. Are you happy with Raven?"

"How did you-"

"I didn't. I guessed. I saw how you two acted with each other."

"What makes you think you have the right to know anything about my relationship with Raven?"

The elevator doors opened and Clarke turned her back to Lexa and stepped in. The next question that reached her ears made her heart skip a beat, and not in a good way.

"Do you love her?"

Clarke slowly turned around and looked at Lexa. For a split second she considered on not answering and just letting the elevator doors close between them but at the last minute she reached her hand forward to stop the doors from closing. She knows what her answered would cause. But Clarke wanted Lexa to know—she wanted Lexa to believe—that she has moved past her.

"Yes."

If it was a lie, neither woman knew.

The metallic doors closed and Clarke disappeared from Lexa's sight.

Was it really possible to go from knowing someone so well from not knowing a single thing about them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pizza and comments are what keeps me alive and writing ;)


	7. Thomas Alexander Paxton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One long chapter coming your way. Enjoy! :)

Clarke kicked her apartment door close and tossed her keys in the bowl placed on a small table next to it. She flipped a switch and momentarily became blind for a few seconds as her eyes adjusted to the brightness. She walked to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. She switched the lights back off and navigated through the darkness and into her bedroom as she drank her water.

Kicking her shoes off and stripping down her sweatpants, Clarke got in the bed laid down on her back. The tears suddenly came out of nowhere and Clarke covered her face with her hands as she made no attempt in trying to stop her tears or choke back her sobs. Her shoulders shook as she let go of all the frustrations and anger she kept bottled back on her drive back home from the hotel. She thought she was over her. She thought she had overcome the pain and everything that Lexa Woods made her feel when she left. Instead she got a slap of reality making her see that she hadn’t gotten as far as she thought. Suddenly she was back in that car in the moment she knew that Lexa was gone; the pain and anger she felt when she saw Lexa was just as real and raw as it was during that day.

When she got herself under control, she heaved a sigh and got out of bed and headed to the bathroom. She turned the faucet on, splashing cold water on her face. She looked up and stared at her reflection in the mirror; the red rings around her eyes were proof of how much she was crying. She had shed so many tears over Lexa and suddenly it just stopped. She wasn’t crying because she missed her, or because she still loves her. No. They were tears of all the anger and frustrations she had kept inside her. She had moved on, or so she thought she did. But now she knew nothing ever really changed on how she feels about Lexa.

The sound of the apartment door opening made her look over her shoulder. She heard a set of keys being dropped in the bowl and footsteps nearing her bedroom.

“Princess? Are you home?” She heard Raven call.

Clarke glanced back at her reflection and saw the red marks were slowly fading. She splashed some more water on her face and grabbed a towel and wiped her face dry. Clarke entered the bedroom and found Raven changing her clothes.

“Hey.” Raven slipped a shirt on and walked over to the blonde.

Raven gently pulled her in her strong arms and Clarke nuzzled on the brunette’s chest. She felt Raven stroke her hair and soft lips planting a kiss on her temple.

“How’d it go?”

Clarke pulled back from the embrace and made her way to the bed, dragging Raven with her.

“I’ll tell you tomorrow. Right now I just want to rest.”

Raven knew that Clarke was avoiding but she nodded anyway. She got in the bed with Clarke and pulled the blonde in her arms once more and both women drifted off to sleep.

 

* * *

 

Lexa and Anya walked in the Homicide bullpen the next morning at exactly 8:10. Lexa was dressed in a black suit with a light blue button down; she tied her hair up in a pony when she became frustrated by her unruly curls this morning. Though that wasn’t the only thing that made the agent frustrated; her lack of sleep last night made her grumpy and even having coffee didn’t make things any better.

Lexa barely slept a wink last and she swore she saw the hands of the clock move hour after hour until sunlight penetrated the window in her hotel room. There was only one reason why she couldn’t sleep last night; it was because of a certain blonde with piercing blue eyes.

Her eyes scanned the bullpen and she felt her heart beat faster when she saw the woman that plagued her thoughts last night. Clarke was leaning over Raven’s desk and pointing at something in the file they were both reading. She was dressed in a cream button down tucked in a pair of black slacks and she was wearing 4-inch heels. Lexa couldn’t help but stare at Clarke’s back and the curve of her hips and she felt her cheeks redden.

As if she felt Lexa’s eyes on her, Clarke stood straight and turned around, looking at her. Their eyes locked and both women struggled to keep the emotionless façade of their faces.

“Lexa.” Clarke greeted, her voice void of any emotion.

Raven looked up from the report she was reading and looked at Clarke then at Lexa. Clarke had told her what happened last night but the blonde left out the part where Lexa had asked if she loved Raven. Clark didn’t mean to lie, and she didn’t. Her answer wasn’t entirely a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either. Yes, she does love Raven. But the real question is; is she in love with her?

The tension between the three was so thick that it could be cut by a goddamn chainsaw.

“Good morning, Dr. Griffin. Detective Reyes.” Lexa greeted distantly.

It hurt Lexa to act this distant. It hurt to see Clarke with Raven. It hurt to be rejected but Clarke’s reaction last night and the things she said had told Lexa everything she needed to know. She hurt Clarke in a way that she herself never imagined she’d do and that there was nothing she could do to change that. She would have to just deal with whatever happens here in New York and in a couple of days hopefully they could close this case and she’ll be back in Washington and just forget all of this. She can go back to her life away from New York and pretend that all of it never happened.

Before either Raven or Clarke could speak, the doors to the bullpen bursts open and Octavia came in with Lincoln behind her carrying a stack of boxes. Lincoln dropped the boxes on the floor beside Raven’s desk and wiped the beads of sweat off his forehead. Octavia handed him a tissue and pointed out the dust that was on his suit jacket.

“What are all of these?” Raven asked as she rolled her chair towards the boxes and took off the cover of the first box.

“Octavia dragged me down to evidence to make me carry those. They have rats in there.” Lincoln said

Octavia chuckled, “I thought you like animals?”

“Not the rodent type!”

Lexa rolled her eyes at the two, “Like Detective Reyes said, what are those? Lexa peeked inside the box. She grabbed a folder and opened it, her eyes widening when she recognized the evidence sheets. “You got the evidence from the original case?”

“Hosh thought it would help if we compare the evidence we found so far to what they found back then.” Octavia offered as an answer and looked at Raven. Raven raised an eyebrow and Octavia not so subtly glared at her.

Anya, having a hint of what they were silently communicating about, spoke up. “Detective Reyes, would you like to help me work through this evidence and compile a comparison?” Lexa’s eyes snapped into Anya’s direction and silently willed Anya to hear her screaming in her head demanding why she was asking Raven and not her. After all, she was the one who closed the original case.

“There could be something we missed or overlooked at the previous investigations.”

Anya nodded and looked back at Raven, “Shall we get to work, Detective?”

It wasn’t until Raven looked at Clarke and then at her when she realized that Anya had purposely done it so Lexa and Clarke could be alone and talk, thinking that they could still work something out. After last night, Lexa wasn’t so sure.

“Agent Callaway, I don’t thi—” Raven was interrupted by the ringing of her phone. She slid it out of its holster that’s attached to her belt and answered the call. “Reyes.”

Lexa saw Raven’s face fell. Lexa knew what that face meant and whatever was just said to the detective, it wasn’t good news. When she hung up, Raven looked at the people gathered around her desk.

“They found another body.”

Lexa sighed and let a curse slip out of her mouth, “Fucking shit.”

Just then, Indra came out of her office and addressed the group. “I assume you’re all been notified about the murder.” They all nodded. “Reyes and Agent Callaway, you’re both going to the crime scene. You too, Agent Woods. You know this case more than anyone. Blake, you and Agent Belmont stay behind and dig through those boxes. See what you can find that will help us catch this killer.” Indra looked at Clarke. She has her head down and was fumbling with her fingers, as if she suddenly became nervous. She looked up when Indra called her name, “Doctor Griffin, ask the other Doctor Griffin if you can tag along on the scene. I know you start Monday but an early start won’t hurt anyone.” Indra looked at them one last time before dismissing them and entered back in her office.

“Clarke, you can ride with us if Abby says yes.” Raven offered.

“No.” Clarke said too quickly. She glanced at Lexa and back to Raven, “I’ll ride with mom. I’m sure she’ll agree to let me come. You have no idea how buzzed she is about this whole internship. I’ll text you when we’re on our way.”

If Raven noticed the shared looks between Lexa and Clarke, she didn’t show it. She only nodded to acknowledge what Clarke said.

“See you in a bit.” Clarke leaned down and kissed Raven’s cheek. Raven smiled at her and watched as the blonde walked away.

When the detective looked up at the two agents, she saw Lexa also looking at Clarke with a longing expression in her eyes. Raven clenched her hands into a fist and locked her jaw. She took a deep breath to control herself and got off her chair. She walked past Lexa and Anya and headed for the elevators. Anya tugged on Lexa’s arm and they followed Raven.

 

* * *

 

Once the trio had left, Octavia and Lincoln started to organize the files they had bought in. They sorted them in chronological order and they made a time table based on how long apart did Cage Wallace hunt and kill his victims. They pulled out files that they think would help them further on and also some evidence sealed in a bag. Lincoln held a particular bag in his hands and recognized Lexa’s handwriting.

“Are these … “

Lincoln held up the bag and showed them to Octavia. The detective nodded with a grim expression.

“Those were the nails found in Bartholomew’s palms and feet. Lexa pulled them out herself. I’d never know how she kept it together; I almost got sick just looking at them.”

The muscular agent looked down at the evidence bag in his hand and felt nausea well up in his stomach just imaging the horrifying things Cage Wallace did to these poor innocent boys. He would rape them and later on crucify them. He’d pound these nails on the palms and feet of his victims and watch them cry out in pain and agony. Blood would come trickling down their arms and he’d watch them struggled to break free with no success, only causing the nails to rip skins and muscles. He probably smiled and laughed at them as they begged and cried, watched as their breathing got labored and ragged until eventually they took their finally breathe and their heads fall limp, lifeless.

“Good god.” Lincoln whispered as the dropped the bag back in the box. He turned to look at the detective who was now flicking through pages of a particularly thick file.

“Can I ask a something?” Lincoln asked as he leaned back on the desk. Octavia hummed in response. “What happened between Lexa and Doctor Griffin?”

Octavia looked up at the agent and held his gaze. Once again, Lincoln was struck by how attractive the petite detective was; with her fair skin and blue eyes and brunette hair. When they first meet, he was blown away but how strong and independent and strong-willed the detective was. She may be small but she’ll have no trouble kicking your ass when you get on her bad side.

Octavia eyes lingered for a bit longer on Lincoln before going back to the file in front of her, “I think it’s safe to say things between those two are a little complicated.”

“A little?” Lincoln asked. “They were ready to rip each other’s hair from the sounds of their voices last night and if you saw the—”

The brunette woman snapped her head up and stared at the agent with wide eyes, “Last night?” Octavia asked “What happened last night?”

“Well … Uh,” Feeling himself getting scrutinized by Octavia, Lincoln scratched the back of his head.

“Lincoln!” Octavia hit him on the shoulder, “Spill!”

Lincoln huffed in annoyance and rubbed his shoulder. “My hotel room was next to Lexa’s and I was on my way back from the hotel bar when I saw Doctor Griffin outside Lexa’s room. I thought she was going to leave but then Lexa answered the door and Clarke went in.”

“And?” Octavia asked urgently.

“And then I went in my room.”

“What?!” The brunette exclaimed, “Did you see their faces? Did you hear what they said before they entered the room?” Octavia asked urgently.

Lincoln shrugged, “I think Clarke said something about needing to know why she left? I’m not sure. But I’m pretty sure they had a very heated conversation considering how loud they were yelling at each other that I could faintly hear their voices in my room.” Lincoln then furrowed his eyebrows, as if he just thought of something. “Wait … Are Lexa and Doctor Griffin…” Lincoln’s eyes went wide, “Are they ex-lovers?”

“Okay, first of all, just call her Clarke. It’s weird when you call her Doctor Griffin, the imagine that pops in my head is her mother.” Octavia said, “And second, Lexa and Clarke?” Octavia chuckled to herself and shook her head. “No.” She sighed. “Not quite.”

Lincoln frowned at her answered, “What?”

“They are—were—best friends. And Lexa, well, Lexa was in love with Clarke. But they never really got the chance to be together as a couple.” Octavia’s tone changed from being casual to serious. “But don’t you dare tell Lexa I told you that. That woman likes people to think she’s incapable of feeling anything.”

Lincoln nodded and returned to his work arranging the evidence.

“Why the sudden questions about them?” Octavia asked; a hint of curiosity in her voice.

“It’s just that, Lexa can be very secretive a lot of things. I’ve known her for almost two years now but I feel like there’s still a whole other side of her. You know? She’s my friend and I worry about her.” Lincoln said softly. “When she was briefing us about the case, I saw through her façade, we all did. This case took her off guard. I’ve never seen Lexa so nervous until we were boarding the plane to New York, and I’ve never seen anything distract her from work until Clarke walked in.”

“I understand.” Octavia slowly nodded, “You’re worried if Lexa will be too preoccupied by her past and forget why she’s hear?”

Lincoln nodded. “I know this sounds awful but the bureau wants us to catch this guy and fast.”

“If there’s one thing I know about Lexa, is that she never let her emotions get the best of her.”

 

* * *

 

The car pulled up at the parking lot of Saint Thomas of Aquinas School for Boys. Lexa looked up from the window and took in the scene. The place was crawling with cops; yellow crime scene tapes marked the crime scene and the officers in blue kept curious bystanders outside the tape. Lexa got out of the car and she can feel her stomach tighten as she took steps towards the officer standing post just outside the tape.

She wasn’t surprised to see Abby Griffin already examining the body with Clarke standing beside her mom, writing something Abby had said to her down on the clipboard she was holding.  Lexa grabbed the pair of rubber gloves Raven handed her and she slipped her hands in them. The agent was just about to duck under the yellow tape when a hand grabbed her arm. She looked up to see Raven beside her.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Raven asked, “You don’t have to go in, I can do it.”

Lexa held Raven’s gaze and she saw the concern in her old friend’s eyes. She gently pulled her arm from Raven’s grip and shook her head. “Thanks. But I got this. I need to do this.”

Raven nodded and lifted up the tape so they could step onto the crime scene. The trio walked side by side until they reached the medical examiner and was a few feet away from the victim. Lexa felt her stomach turn and bile unexpected rose up from her throat. It was as if she got sucked back in time. She covered her nose with the back of her hand and stepped closer to get a better look.

“What do we know about the victim?”

“Thomas Alexander Paxton, age 8. His class went to a trip this Thursday, but Thomas didn’t make it home. The teacher with them said the boy was still with them on their trip back home.”

“He must’ve been taken not long after they arrived back from their trip. Anya, talk to the teacher who was with them and find out every single adult who was with them”

Anya nodded and left, doing what Lexa asked her too.

“Everything seems identical.” Lexa said as she circled the wooden crucifix that the boy was nailed to. The boy couldn’t be older than 7 or maybe 8. He was bare of anything clothing aside from a strip of white cloth covering his private part. Lexa could feel anger rise inside her and she took a deep breath to calm herself down. The things this copy cat killer did do this poor boy was beyond sick. It was inhumane.

“Rigor mortis is complete.” Clarke unexpectedly said. Her voice broke the silence and captured Lexa’s attention. She watched Lexa take in the crime scene and she could see the agent’s eyes cloud over; her face was a mask of sheer pain and torture.

“Meaning he’s been dead for over twelve hours.” Raven said.

Clarke and Abby nodded.

Lexa’s eyes snapped up and she looked at Clarke, “Add that to the time it took for the killer to capture his victim, torture him, and kill him …” Lexa voice faded. She can’t say the words.

“He took him not long after you guys got here.” Raven filled in, putting the pieces together.

“I’ll know more when I perform the autopsy.” Abby said, “but so far your observation seems consistent with the time table.”

“Four bodies in a span of one week?” Lexa looked at Raven. “He’s spiraling. He’s slipping. Whoever this killer is, he knows the FBI is now involved and he got off guard. Sooner or later he’s going to make a mistake and that’s when we’ll get to him.”

Raven grinned at Lexa, “You sure you’re an FBI agent and not one of those, what do you call them? Profilers?”

“That’s because I happen to know one.”

Lexa fished her phone out of her pocket and took a few steps away from the group. When she was far away enough that nobody would hear her, she scrolled through her contact lists and hit the name of the person she was looking for. A familiar voice answered on the other line.

_“Hey. I was worried about you. You didn’t call back last night. Are you okay?”_

Lexa nodded, as if Costia could see her. “Yeah. I’m sorry about that. Something came up.” She turned to look at the group, her eyes unexpectedly met Clarke’s and she turned away. “Listen. Cos, I need your help. How fast can you come to New York?”

_“For you? I’d walk to get there if I have to.”_

Lexa chuckled, “Let me know what time and I’ll pick you up at the airport.” She couldn’t help the smile that tugged at her lips at the thought of seeing Costia sooner. “I’ll see you soon. Bye.”

She ended the call and walked back to the group. She saw Anya talking to a man, Lexa assumed he was the teacher-in-charge. Lexa walked at their direction but before she could reach them, Clarke suddenly appeared in her line of vision and a few feet away from her. Lexa stopped walking when the blonde didn’t show any intentions of moving.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry for the way I reacted last night and this morning.” Clarke said as she gripped the bag she has holder tighter, “You know it’s not like me to act like that. I’m sorry. I was out of line.”

Lexa looked at Clarke in surprise, her eyes widening when she heard what Clarke said. “I think it’s fair to say that neither of us handled it very well last night and we’re both at fault on how things ended.”  Not knowing what to do with her hands, she stuffed them in her pockets. “I’m sorry too, Clarke.”

Clarke almost appeared shy when she spoke again, “I just thought that maybe, since you’re going to be here for a while and it looks like I’m going to help mom a bit in this case, I thought it’d be best if we both tried to get along?” Lexa could see the faint flush on Clarke’s cheeks. “Are you going with Raven to watch the autopsy?”

_Will she?_

This morning when she saw Clarke and Raven together, she almost turned around. And seeing the way they interact with each other, Lexa didn’t know if that was something she wanted to see again.

“I’ll try.” Lexa said she feigned a smile. “I’ll see if we’re not too busy upstairs, I’ll drop by the morgue.”

With that, Lexa walked past her and made her way over to Anya.

“I’ll see you later, Lexa.” She heard Clarke said behind her.

She looked over her shoulder and she felt her heart jump at the genuine smile Clarke was sending her way.

“Yeah” She whispered softly as she tried to fight the smile that was forcing its way on her lips, “See you later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOHHHH. Costia's coming to New York.
> 
> How would Clarke react when she leans about the extent of Costia's relationship with Lexa?


	8. The Dates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! :)
> 
> I'm so so sorry for the long wait. It has been a VERY busy month and I just couldn't find time to sit down and write and when I do, I was just staring blankly at my screen. lmao
> 
> Anyway, here's the next chapter! Belated Merry Christmas to everyone and a Happy New Year! :)
> 
> P.S.  
> i may have given too much information about the copy cat killer so y'all probably know now who he is.

Dr. Abigail Griffin and Clarke arrived at the morgue before the van did. Abby took this time to change into her scrubs while she asked Clarke to prep the tools she’ll be using during the autopsy. Clarke was busy aligning the tools on the tray but her mind was in a different place. She knows she shouldn’t but she couldn’t help the flicker of hope in her chest that Lexa would come down and watch the autopsy. Clarke shuddered at the simple thought of being in the same room as Lexa. She knows she shouldn’t be feeling this way. She shouldn’t be thrilled to see Lexa again.

Betrayal. Anger. Hurt.

That is what she should be feeling. At least that is what she keeps telling herself. But every time she sees Lexa, all she wants is to pull her close, to feel her warmth. Clarke chuckled to herself when she started thinking what if …

_What if Lexa stays after they close the case?_

_What if Lexa being back means they can fix their broken friendship?_

_What if Lexa being back means that they’ll have the closure they need to truly move on?_

_What if …_

Clarke was snapped out of her thoughts when she heard the doors swing open and saw Raven enter. She quickly realized she wasn’t alone when a second later, Lexa walked in after Raven. The blonde felt herself slightly tense up at the sight of Lexa.

“Is the body here yet?”

“Where’s Doctor Griffin?”

Both Lexa and Raven asked at the same time. Clarke looked at them and just when she was about to answer their questions, they heard the sound of a van backing up in the garage next to the morgue. As if on cue, Abby Griffin came out of the locker room and walked straight to the double doors that separated the morgue to the garage. Minutes later, the doctor came back and was accompanied my two men pushing the gurney.

“Over here is fine.”

Abby gestured towards the metal table and the men made work of placing the black body bag on top of the table. She handed the clipboard she was holding to one of the men after affixing her signature and turned to the three people standing at the opposite side of the table.

“Ready?” she asked them.

They all nodded but at the corner of Clarke’s eyes she could see Lexa visibly swallow. She took a quick glance at her mother and Raven who are talking about something over the victim’s body before stepping closer to Lexa.

“You sure, you want to do this?” she placed her hand on top of Lexa’s arm in the hopes of comforting the agent. Lexa slowly turned her head down to look at the blonde’s hand and then up to look at Clarke. Lexa nodded. “If we want to catch this bastard, I have to be here from beginning to the end and make sure we don’t miss anything.”

Clarke slowly pulled her hand away just as Raven looked at their direction and waved them to move closer. She was leaning in to look closer at what Abby was pointing at.

“Lexa, you may want to see this.” Raven said.

Clarke and Lexa moved in closer and Abby grabbed a pair of tweezers and slowly picked something up The medical examiner raised it so everyone could see. Raven squinted her eyes as she looked at what Abby was showing them and she felt her heart beat faster when she recognized what she was looking at.

“What is it?” Lexa asked as she stepped closer to the autopsy table. She felt Clarke step up beside her.

“Hair.” Raven said.

Abby held it up against the light over the table and Lexa saw a strand of dark brown hair.

“Thomas Paxton is blonde.” Lexa stated.

She didn’t want to get her hopes up. There could be a handful of reasons why that strand of hair was on the victim’s body. Dozens of people were on that crime scene and it could’ve been one of them or it could’ve been blown by the wind and landed on the victim. For all they know, the hair could’ve been inside the bag.

“I’ll have it check for DNA,” Abby said as she placed the strand of hair in a small plastic bag “We have DNA of everyone working at the M.E.’s office and NYPD to rule out cross contamination on evidence. If this belongs to any of them, we’ll know.” Abby stepped back and took her gloves off. “Clarke, can you do the Y-incision on the body? I’ll just drop this off at the lab.”

“Sure.” Clark said as she already pulled her blonde hair in a bun and slipped her hands in a new pair of gloves.

 “What if the hair doesn’t match any of the DNA in the M.E.’s office and NYPD?” Raven asked.

The three of them looked at each other. Lexa hated it but she can’t help the spark of hope that flickered inside of her. “Then it could be from our copycat killer and we’re a step closer to finding him.”

Just then, Raven’s phone vibrated and she checked it. “It’s Octavia. She and Lincoln found something they wanted me to see.” She then turned to Lexa, “Is it okay if you stay down here until the autopsy is finished? One of us probably should stay in case they find anything else on the body.”

Lexa nodded, “Yeah. Go on. I’ll call you if we find anything else.”

Raven kissed Clarke’s cheek and said a quick goodbye and she was out the door. And just like that, there were just the two of them. Plus the victim’s body.

Clarke circled around the table so she was now standing at the other side of the table, across from Lexa. “Can you roll the body towards you so I can remove the bag?” Clarke can do it by herself, really. It’s not that hard. But she could feel the tension that also seems to make itself known whenever she was alone with Lexa, and so she thought having a decent conversation would help.

“Yeah. Sure.”

Lexa grabbed a pair of gloves and rolled the body towards her as Clarke gently pulled the bag underneath the body and placed it on the table behind her. The young doctor then ran her fingers over the body, looking for fractures. Her fingers lingered a little bit longer on the marks and bruises that covered the boy’s body. Clarke then took one of the syringes and jabbed the end into the victim’s neck. She repeated the proceeded twice until she had three vials of blood. “I’ll send this to the lab and have it analyzed.”

“You think he used chloroform to knock them out?” Lexa asked without taking her eyes off the body.

“It’s possible. We’ll know more once the blood samples are tested.”

Lexa nodded and for a moment silence engulfed them once again. Clarke grabbed the scalpel and started making the incision with precision. Lexa remained silent as she watched Clarke’s hand work gracefully.

“Do you ever think about it?” Clarke suddenly asked. Lexa snapped her eyes up and looked at Clarke but the blonde’s attention was focused on the body she was currently slicing open.

“About what?”

“About the day you caught Cage. About the day you all thought this was all over.”

Lexa stared at Clarke for a few moments before releasing a sigh. “Yeah.” Lexa answered. “I do.”

“Have you thought about why the copycat is doing this?”

If they’re going to be stuck her by themselves, better to start up a conversation rather than drown themselves in deafening silence.

“I mean,” Clarke continued “When you were working the original case, you knew why the Apostle Killer was killing off those poor kids. So the question now is; why is the copycat doing this?”

Clarke briefly looked up and saw Lexa looking at her in a way that made her heart flutter. She couldn’t help the smile that tugged at her lips, seeing Lexa look at her like that, it felt like things could go back to how they were. Seeing Lexa smile back at her made her remember the past and all those moments when they were both blind on what’s right in front of them.

“Maybe he wants attention” Lexa shrugged, “Sooner or later copycats create their own M.O. and their signature for their every kill, but before that, they have to start somewhere. So they copy a serial killer. Think of it as a … practice round. A warm up.”

Lexa looked down at the number “9” that was carved on the boy’s stomach. “But this copycat, whoever he is, isn’t trying to be different. If he is, his M.O. would’ve change.”

“So … what? Is he an apprentice of Cage Wallace or something?”

Lexa’s expression turned grimed, “Possibly, he’s trying to be exactly like him.”

“You should like shrink.” Clarke chuckled and focused back on doing the autopsy.

Lexa lightly laughed. She missed this; talking to Clarke, feeling like nothing’s ever changed.

“I called a friend of mine in DC to help us out with the case. She’ll probably be here first thing tomorrow morning.”

“A friend, huh?” Clarke asked, the smirk evident in her voice. “I didn’t know you have those.”

A smile appeared on Lexa’s lips as she thought about Costia, “Yeah. She’s a profiler. Aside from Anya and my team, she is one of the few people I consider as a friend in DC.”

And just like that, the smile on Clarke’s face was wiped clean. She didn’t know why, but hearing Lexa talk about her life in DC, a completely different life, made her remember that the person standing in front of her is not her best friend, it’s not the same Lexa she used to know. Clarke knows she might be being selfish or even unreasonable but being in the same room as Lexa while her mind was suddenly plague with the memories of when Lexa left her was just …

Clarke closed her eyes and counted up to five and tried to control her breathing. Once that was done, she placed the scalpel back on the tray and looked up at the brunette.

“I can’t do this.”

Lexa’s face scrunched up with confusion, “The Y-incision?”

“This. Us. Working together.” Clarke began, “Last night, the reason I went to your hotel room was that I thought if we talked it would clear this air between us. Also when I approached you at the crime scene. I really thought I was okay with this. But I … You just …I understand you have to be here for the case. You’re the only one who can solve it. But you and I …” Clarke looked away, she couldn’t look at Lexa, “You and I, we need to talk. Really talk.

“Oh.” Lexa visibly deflated. She had hoped they were starting to repair their broken friendship. But she guess things don’t always go the way we thought they would. “I can do that. Do you want to talk now or—”

“Later.” Clarke cut her off. “I have to help mom with the autopsy and in the lab and …” Clarke took a deep breath and looked straight at Lexa’s eyes. “We can talk tonight.”

Lexa nodded. “Do you want to just come by my hotel room?” Quickly realizing how that sounded, she hastily added “or we can meet up at the hotel restaurant.”

Clarke picked the scalpel again and did the last cut. “I’ll be there at six.” She said without looking up.

Lexa walked out of the morgue and once the doors had closed, she felt herself well up with despair. She didn’t blame Clarke. There’s nothing to blame. She was the one who walked away two years ago. As much as it pains her to admit it, Clarke’s life had changed and honestly, she didn’t blame Clarke from trying to move on in some kind of way. They both had; one way or another. Both of them found solace in another and tried to move on. Some people just drift apart. It happens.

 

* * *

 

Lexa stepped out of the elevator and through the doors of the homicide bullpen. She looked around and saw Raven, Octavia, and Lincoln all gathered around the white board place at the middle of the incident room. From where she was standing, Lexa could tell from their faces that whatever they found out, it was something big. She quickly approached them.

“What is it?” Lexa asked and Lincoln turned to look at her.

“Octavia found something interesting in the dates the copycat’s victims died compared to Cage Wallace’s victims.” Lincoln answered. “Well, at least with the first victims of the copy cat and Cage.”

Octavia pointed to the date written below the picture of Peter Callum; Cage Wallace’s first victim. “Cage Wallace’s killed his first victim four years ago, June 7, 2011” she then pointed to the date of the copycat’s first victim, Andrew Bennigan.”

“They match.” Lexa said softly. “It’s the same date. Only they’re four years apart.”

Octavia nodded. “You think the copycat s celebrating the copycat’s anniversary?”

“For someone who is obsessed with a person, anniversaries are often considered as triggers for them. Not only for some who is obsessed with a psychopathic serial killer, but also for normal people. Like stalkers.” Lincoln explained.

“But wouldn’t it make more sense if the copycat celebrated the day Cage was born or the day he got caught if he was so obsessed with him?”

“For us, yes. This copycat is somehow fascinated by the Killer. Not Cage Wallace. He’s celebrating the day the killer was born.”

“Okay. But what about the other dates?” Raven asked. “What connection does it have with the Apostle Killer?”

Lexa moved closer to the board and examined the pictures and date closely. “Thomas Paxton’s time of death was sometime yesterday afternoon, June 21. Matthew O’Conner’s body was discovered two days after he was killed, making that four days ago. And a week before that, they found John Summer’s body.”

Lexa’s eyes focused on the dates the victims died and not the day they were found. When everything clicked, a sickening feeling welled up inside her and she felt like it’s going to swallow her in a matter of seconds. She feel the bile rise up her throat, she barely managed to stop herself from throwing up right there and her face has been drained of color.

“Lexa?” Lincoln lightly touched her arm. “Are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“The dates,” Lexa nodded at the white board. “They do mean something. But not to the copycat.”

They all burrowed their eyebrows in confusion.

“Then to who?” Octavia asked.

Lexa swallowed thickly, “To me.”

“What?” They said at the same time, their confusions growing even more.

“June 7,” Lexa pointed at Peter’s photo, “is the date Cage killed Peter Callum. Three days later, they found the body and I was assigned to the case.” She then pointed to John Summer’s photo, “June tenth. Same date John Summer’s was killed.”

“Holy shit. That’s also your birthday.” Octavia exclaimed.

Lexa pointed at the date written under the photo, her back turned towards the other three people in the room with her. Lexa has never felt this sick and nauseous in her entire life. “Matthew O’Conner was killed on the 17th of June.”

“But that’s …” She heard Raven say behind her.

Lexa nodded, “Clarke’s birthday.”

Lexa slowly turned around and looked at Octavia and Raven. She could see the concern written all over their faces. Her eyes moved to Lincoln and she could also see concern and fear on his eyes.

“Whatever he is doing, it’s not about Cage Wallace or the Apostle Killer.” Lexa pushed her hands inside her pockets and tried to be casual and to pretend that she’s not as shaken as she really is. She took a deep breath before speaking again, “It’s about me. And whoever this copycat killer is, they spent time studying me and to know me. They know these date means something to me.”

“What about Thomas Paxton?” Lincoln asked. “What’s the meaning behind his date of death?”

“It was the day you three got here in New York?” Raven offered.

“Yes.” Lexa can feel her heart beat so fast, she’s afraid it’s going to break free from her rib-cage. “And I don’t think it was a coincidence, but it was also the day I left New York two years ago.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *da dum tss* Who could the copy cat killer be? :P
> 
> See you all in the next chapter,  
> Gabby


	9. Here We Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last update before this year ends :) I was suppose to update January 3 but we're going on a family trip and i don't want to leave you guys hanging after the last chapter.
> 
> I did this in the middle of the night while rewatching R&I episodes. Sorry for the mistakes.
> 
> Happy New Year! :)

The things they just unraveled made them look at the case in a different perspective. It wasn’t just about the killer anymore. The moment Lexa pieced all the dates together; this case became personal.

Special Agent Alexandria Woods just walked into the line sight of a serial killer.

They had spent the rest of the day reanalyzing every single information and evidence they had. They tried to put pieces together and other than the dates, they couldn’t find anything else that ties Lexa to the killer. There were no hidden messages, no signs to point out that they missed something. Whatever the killer was doing, he knows it will catch Lexa’s attention and now that he has it, the only thing that Lexa could do was wait for the killer’s next move.

By the time 5’oclock rolled in, they were all burnt out.  Lexa had long abandoned her blazer and took off her tie, rolling her sleeves up and popping open the first button of her shirt, and now her head was in between her hands as she sat in front of a table covered with case files and paper works.

“Well, you look like shit.” Anya observed. She had just come back from interviewing everyone from the trip that the last victim went to. From all those cases she had worked with Lexa, she had never seen her friend this tired and worn out.

Lexa’s stomach growled for the nth time and she groaned. They worked through lunch and aside from one energy bar and two cups of stale coffee, she hadn’t eaten anything.

“Call it a day and go back to the hotel,” Anya suggested, “Take a shower, eat something and rest.”

Lexa shook her head, “I can’t.”

She heard Anya huffed from the other side of the room, “You clearly need the rest, Lexa.”

“I’m meeting with Clarke.” She lifted her head and looked at Anya.

Anya raised an eyebrow, “Is that so?”

She knew that look. Lexa learned that when it comes to Anya, the woman has no problem in voicing out what she feels and Lexa liked that about her. But the way Anya was looking at her right now makes her feel queasy; it was a look that told her she was about to do something that she might regret.

“We’re just going to talk.” Lexa answered, her tone became defensive and sharp than what she meant to, “Is there a reason why we shouldn’t?”

“I don’t know. Is there?” Anya answered back.

They held each other’s gaze for a moment until Lexa broke the contact and looked at the direction where Octavia and Raven were talking to Lincoln at the other side of the room. Raven turned at their direction when she heard their voices got a little too loud, she tried not to listen to their conversation but when she heard Lexa say Clarke’s name, it was impossible not to. Lexa look at Raven. She knows the detective heard their conversation. She addressed the three of them when she spoke, “Could you guys give us a minute?”

“Sure.’ Lincoln nodded. He grabbed the folder he was currently looking at and made his way out of the incident room. He knew the looks on their faces and he knows not to get in to whatever Lexa and Anya are arguing about. Octavia was following behind Lincoln when she noticed Raven hasn’t moved and was looking Lexa. She let out a huff and rolled her eyes, “Let’s go, Reyes.” Octavia grabbed Raven’s arm and almost dragged her out of the room.

Once they were out of the room and the door closed, Lexa stood up from her chair and turned to face Anya. She didn’t have to be an FBI agent or a detective to know that Anya doesn’t like Clarke and that she has a very different opinion about her meeting with Clarke tonight.

“If you have any problems with me meeting with Clarke, just say it.”

Anya shrugged, “I don’t. As long as you know your reasons on why you’re meeting with her.”

Lexa sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, “Okay.” she agreed, “Clarke and I, we have a past and we didn’t exactly part ways on the best of terms. If we have to work together on this case, there are a few things we need to talk about and clear the air between us. It’s the only way the two of us can work together, let alone be in the same room for five minutes without one of us leaving. I see nothing with trying to be civil with her.”

“Have you told her about Costia?” Anya asked bluntly, she was never one to beat around the bushes. Sometimes it’s better to just rip the band-aid off. Lexa’s reaction and the way she averted her gaze told Anya all she needed to know. “I see.”

“We haven’t exactly had the time to catch up.” Lexa mumble as an excuse.

“So Clarke has no idea that Costia is on her way here as we speak?”

“She does.”

“But she doesn’t know she’s more than just a friend and a profile helping us with this case, does she?”

“What does that have to do about me meeting Clarke tonight?” Lexa countered, “I know we’re partners and we have each other’s back but you don’t get to tell me what I can and cannot do in my private life. And you were wondering why I didn’t want you to know about me and Costia in the first place.”

Anya’s face softened and she reached out a hand to touch Lexa’s arm, “You’re not just my partner, Lex. You’re my sister. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

“We’re just going to talk.” Lexa assured her. She also couldn’t quite wrapped her mind around the fact that they were even having this conversation, “I don’t need you to hold my hand for that.” Lexa gently pulled her arm from Anya’s hand and turned to leave. She started for the door after grabbing her blazer and tie on the back of her chair. Anya’s words made her froze.

“You’re still in love with her.”

It wasn’t a question.

Lexa slowly turned around to look at Anya and when she spoke, her voice was dangerously low. “What did you just say?” she knew that Anya knew that it was a warning to be careful on what she was about to say next. Her sister crossed her arms over her chest and raised her eyebrow, clearly ignoring Lexa’s tone and challenging her to deny what she just said.

“You heard me.” Anya said as an answer. “You’re still in love with Clarke.”

Lexa didn’t answer. What can she say? She doesn’t even know what she feels towards Clarke. And for heaven’s sakes, she’s with Costia.

“I’m not blind. I’ve seen the way you look at her.”

When Anya knew about her relationship with Costia, Lexa was worried on how she would react. Anya had introduced them, with the only intention of trying to get Lexa be comfortable in the bureau and have friends besides her team. Lexa and Costia just hit it off and one night, after closing a case and going to celebrate, she drove Costia home and the next thing she knew, they were kissing outside Costia’s apartment.

“C’mon, Anya. Are we really going to have this conversation?”

“I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t think this will result in to something you’ll regret.”

Lexa rolled her eyes and leaned back against the door, “It’s been two years. She’s moved on. She’s with Raven.” The sharp pain that shot through her heart and chest caught her by surprise. She swallowed thickly and looked up at Anya, “I want to give Clarke what she deserves; an explanation. She’s my friend. Or was my friend. I owe her that after what I did.”

Anya sighed, “If that’s what you think you have to do …”

“I do,” Lexa said softly. “For both of us.”

“What time are you going to pick up Costia from the airport?” Anya asked as Lexa opened the door.

“Ten in the morning.”

“So I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”

Lexa nodded as a response and left the room.

* * *

 

On the cab on her way to the hotel, Lexa thought about what Anya said.

_You’re still in love with, Clarke._

She had been in love with her, once. God, she was in love with Clarke like she has never loved anyone. The love she felt for Clarke was overwhelming, too intense. She was a coward for not letting Clarke know what she felt but who can blame her? Things could’ve gone bad. The thought of Clarke rejecting her, telling her she could only love her as a friend, was the thing that Lexa couldn’t face. She’d rather have Clarke as a friend than lose her.

_But I lost her anyway_ , Lexa thought, _because I left her._

Lexa paid the driver when they reached the hotel and got out of the cab. She went in the lobby and in the elevators and jabbed the button for her floor. The elevators dinged and she stepped out. When she reached her door, she took out her card and swiped it, unlocking the door. Once inside, she kicked the door closed and began to shred herself of her clothes and stepped in the shower. Suddenly she got nervous about meeting Clarke and butterflies fluttered in her stomach.

After showering, she wrapped a towel around her body and entered the bedroom. She opened her suitcase and grabbed the only pair of jeans she had packed and a plain white shirt. Lexa never packed way too much clothes. She wore her jeans and shirt after putting on her undergarments. She then went to the closet and took her black leather jacket and motorcycle boots. Looking at the clock, she saw she still has half an hour left before meeting with Clarke. She turned the tv on and searched through the channels until she found the sports channel. She sank down on the bed and hoped that a little rest will calm her nerves down.

* * *

 

Clarke was staring blankly at her closet. For the past 15 minutes, she had put on 5 dresses, 2 pair of pants, and 4 tops but she can’t seem to decide what to wear. She let out a frustrated groan and walked backed to her bed where a mountain of clothes was staring to form. She let herself fall on the bed, dressed only in a pair of baby pink bra and panties.

_You’re just going to talk, Clarke._

She told herself.

_Then why are you so worked up?_

A tiny voice at the back of her head said.

_I don’t know._

The blonde groaned and covered her face with a pillow. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe it was better that she just sucked it up and kept her stupid mouth shut at the morgue this morning. Scenarios and thoughts plagued her mind about what could happen later and it made her want to curl in a ball and hide in a dark corner. The beeping sound of her phone snapped her out of her own little world. She reached for her phone and saw she had a message from Raven,

**_Raven:_** Hey, Princess. Are you up for a night out? Octavia wanted to take Lincoln to the Dropship and we thought you might want to come. We could have our own little rendezvous afterwards ;)

Clarke felt her stomach twist. She hasn’t told Raven about her meeting with Lexa. The blonde doesn’t know how Raven will react. Surely Raven would be okay with since she was the one who pushed Clarke to talk to Lexa in the first place, right? Clarke was about to type in a response seeing she’ll meet them after talking to Lexa but somehow Clarke doesn’t want Raven to know. She quickly deleted the message and typed in a new one.

**_Clarke:_** Finishing a painting. Meet you there at 7:30?

**_Raven:_** That’ll work. See you later, Princess. I love you.

**_Clarke:_** I do too.

Seeing the time on her phone, Clarke sighed and tossed her phone beside her and stood up from the bed. She decided on white jeans, a silk blue button down, and her pair of 3-inch white heels. She added a silver necklace in her outfit and applied a little bit of make-up and sprayed a bit of perfume behind her ears.

Satisfied on what she sees in the mirror, Clarke grabbed a white blazer and left the room, grabbing her keys as she exited her apartment. Her heart was beating out of control as she made her way towards Lexa’s hotel. The roads were busy and she got stuck in traffic more than twice. She cursed under her breath for forgetting how bad traffic is here in New York.

Minutes later Clarke pulled up at the hotel and let a valet take her car. She glanced at her wrist watch and saw that she was already 5 minutes late. Not wanting to be late more than she already is, Clarke rushed through the lobby and ask the front desk where the restaurant is located. After getting directions, she thanked the clerk and made her way. She reached the restaurant and look through the window to see if Lexa was already inside but she couldn’t see here. She contemplated on whether to go inside or wait for Lexa outside and just as she was reaching for the door, she heard someone call her name.

“Clarke?”

She turned around and suddenly the butterflies in her stomach fluttered as she saw Lexa walk up towards her with a small smile on her face.

“Hi.”

Lexa reached behind her and opened the door for Clarke. The sudden lack of space between them made their eyes lock for a brief second. “Hey.”

Clarke mumble a soft thank you as Lexa held the door open for her. Once inside, Lexa led them to a booth located at the end of the restaurant where they can have a bit of privacy and she let the doctor decide where she wanted to sit. They slipped in their respected seats and Clarke clasped her hands on top of the table and looked around. There weren’t too many people in the restaurant. Other than them, there were just a couple of businessmen probably talking about business. Clarke glanced back at the brunette seating across from her and her heart suddenly skipped when she found green eyes staring back at her.

Lexa nervously smiled, “I’m glad you decided to come.”

“Me too,” Clarke offered a small smile although the nervousness in her tone matches Lexa’s “So … Here we are.”

“Yeah.” Lexa averted her eyes. “Here we are.”


	10. I Missed You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half of this chapter hasn't been checked so whatever mistakes are there is my fault.
> 
> Hope y'all love this one ;)

Lexa leaned back on her seat. A smile crept up her lips as she played with beer label that was staring to peel off and look at Clarke. “If someone would’ve told me last week that I would be sitting in a restaurant with you tonight, I wouldn’t believe it”

Clarke bowed her head down and drank from her glass of wine, “Neither would I.”

The action didn’t go unnoticed by Lexa. She knows Clarke is upset. She took a long swig of her beer, “Clarke, I’m sorry. I know I’ve been a jerk.”

The blonde slowly raised her head and looked at Lexa, “A jerk?” she asked “Lexa, you walked out on everyone. Not just me, but also on your mother and your friends. You turned your back on us and just left.” Anger flashed across blue eyes but was soon replaced by sadness. “When we didn’t hear from you after a year, I thought you were dead.”

“Clarke…”

“For a year I wondered what happened. Where did it all go wrong? Why didn’t you just tell me, Lexa?”

“Clarke, I’m really sorry.” Lexa leaned forward and reached across the table, hand hovering over Clarke’s. When Clarke didn’t move her hand away, Lexa placed her hand on top. “I didn’t know what to do. I was scared. I was confused. I was angry at myself. When I left I didn’t want to think about what I was leaving behind in New York because I knew if I did, I would come back and tell you what I felt.”

“Why didn’t you? We were best friends, Lex. We tell each other everything. What happened?”

Lexa didn’t have an answer. She closed her eyes as a whirlwind of emotions welled up inside of her; guilt, anger, sadness, hurt. Lexa liked to think these emotions were like poison and she fought them as hard as she can. It’s what made her a good detective and a good agent. It shaped her to become who she is. She slowly opened her eyes and look down at her hand on top of Clarke’s. A touch that was once so familiar to her and now touching Clarke felt like coming back home. She slowly pulled her hand away and looked up at Clarke with a sad smile.

“I wish I knew.”

“Are you happy?”

Lexa almost choked on her beer when she heard Clarke’s question. She cleared her throat and swiped at the bit of beer that was on her chin. She glanced over the edge of her bottle and saw Clarke looking at her intensely. She was caught off guard by Clarke’s sudden question and needed a moment to compose herself.

“I am.” Lexa answered and tried to sound as casual as she could and tried to put as much conviction in her answer. She is happy. She is happy with her job. And she’s happy with Costia. _Am I?_ “And you? Does she make you happy?”

“You mean, Raven?” Lexa nodded. “Yes. She does.” If Lexa noticed the waver in Clarke’s voice, she didn’t show.

Lexa felt something break inside of her; something she thought was broken long ago when she left New York. Clarke shifted in her seat and looked anywhere but at the woman sitting across from her. Lexa cleared her throat and decided to move to a topic they can both be comfortable with. “There’s something you should know about the case.”

“What is it?”

Lexa told Clarke about the dates and how she pieced them together. As she was giving this information to the blonde, she saw a flicker of surprise and fear in Clarke’s eyes. But when she mentioned that the killer knows Lexa is back here in New York, Clarke’s face has been flushed of its color.

Clarke swallowed hard and locked her gaze with the woman in front of her. “Lex, are you sure about this?”

“Yes. We spent the whole afternoon looking for something that might connect me to the killer in some other way but other than the dates, we found nothing.”  Lexa finished her bottle of beer and signaled the waiter to serve her another one. “Whoever this copycat is, they’re trying to tell us something and they’re doing it through me. He wanted my attention; well he got it.”

Concern was written all over Clarke’s face and the blonde didn’t bother to hide it. “Do you … Do you think he’ll come after you?” Now that Clarke knew that the murders were connected to Lexa and there’s a possibility that the copy cat killer is after Lexa, Clarke was once again face to face with an emotion she didn’t know she’ll feel again; fear. It wasn’t the kind of fear you feel if you were afraid of heights or spiders or small spaces. It’s the kind of fear that plants itself in the middle of your chest and slowly spreads until you suffocate in it. It’s the kind of fear that builds up dread in you that makes your stomach turn and twist and makes your heart beat so fast and stop all of a sudden. Clarke felt that fear every time Lexa had to chase down a killer. She felt that fear every time a news about a detective being targeted because if their cases. Clarke realized that what she feared the most was losing Lexa.

Clarke looked up and saw Lexa looking out at the window and her thumb was picking at the corner of the beer label. Clarke observed how the low glow of the candle on their table reflects on those green eyes. Clarke took a sip of her own beer and the alcohol left a bitter aftertaste in her mouth.

_But I lost her anyway._ She thought. _I lost her a long time ago._

“I don’t know.” Lexa said as an answer to Clarke’s question, the agent was clearly deep in thought.  “I mean, why go through the trouble of killing four innocent young boys just to get the attention of a single person, lure them back to New York and kill them? Not to mention the risks he’s willing to take now that NYPD and the FBI are both on the case. It just doesn’t add up. He wanted my attention for something. And I know he’s trying to send a message. I just don’t know what.”

This time, Clarke was the one who reached forward and placed her hand on top of Lexa’s and gave it a gently squeeze. “You’ll find him, Lex.” The agent tore her eyes away from the window and looked at Clarke, suddenly aware of the soft hand on top of hers. Their eyes met and Clarke tried to smile. “You always do.”

“I don’t know.” Lexa answered in a defeated tone.”I let the original Apostle Killer get under my skin and now …” Lexa sighed. “I have to find him before he kills again.”

“And just how do you plan on doing that?” Clarke asked, “Call every parent in New York with a child whose name is one the twelve apostles that the killer hasn’t crossed off his list yet?” Clarke sighed and shook her head. She softly ran her thumb over the back of Lexa’s hand. “You can’t save everyone, Lex.”

“I wish I could.” Lexa voice was laden with tears.

“I know.” Clarke whispered, “But sometimes we have to accept the fact that we lose.”

Lexa just nodded and took a long sip.

“I missed you.”

It was out before her mind could process the words and Clarke’s cheeks became as red as a tomato when Lexa’s eyes focused on her. For a moment, no one dared to breathe or say a single word. Both women just stared at each other, trapped in an endless loop of silence. Lexa could feel Clarke’s hand twitch and when the blonde made a move to remove it; Lexa acted without having a second thought and held it, preventing the blonde from pulling away.

Lexa’s voice was soft and she couldn’t help the smile that appeared on her lips, “I missed you too.”

Clark smiled back. She felt warm all over and Lexa’s touch sent shivers up her arm to her chest and down to the tip of her toes. “It’s really good to see you, Lexa.”

Lexa’s throat was suddenly dry and her heart was pounding like a gorilla in her chest. _God, that smile._ There had been endless moments like this before she left. Precious moments that she took for granted when she left because she was running away. It was only now that Lexa realized that she should’ve cherished them for they’re the only thing she has of Clarke from her past life. It was moments like this that made her fall in love with her best friend.

“Would you like to talk a walk?” Lexa asked shyly.

Clarke glanced at the window, “It’s raining, Lex.”

“Oh.” Lexa bowed her head and actually pouted.

Clarke chuckled at Lexa’s expression. “But I’d love to take a walk with you.”

* * *

 Lexa’s head snapped up and looked at Clarke with a surprise expression as she watched her get up from her chair. Lexa quickly stood up and threw some bills on the table to pay for their drinks and followed         the doctor to the door and out to the lobby of the hotel. When Lexa pushed open the front doors of the hotel, she saw that Clarke was right, it was raining. Clarke grinned at her before stepping out into the open. Lexa shook her head and smiled as she fell in step beside the blonde.

The temperature had dropped and the wind was biting cold. Large raindrops fell and in a matter of seconds both women were drenched. Lexa encircled an arm around Clarke and pulled the blonde towards her to provide a little bit of warmth. Clarke leaned in closer and snaked her arm around Lexa. They walked silently, with the rain pouring down on them, but they were content to just be in each other’s presence.

“Would you have considered coming back?” Clarke asked as they rounded the corner.

“To New York?” Lexa asked and Clarke nodded.

Every now and then a street lamp would illuminate their faces. Lexa took a side way glance at Clarke when they passed a street lamp and the light reflected her blonde hair.

“Honestly, I don’t know.” Clarke looked up at Lexa’s answer. “It has been a long time Clarke. Things have changed.”

“I know.” Clarke pulled away from Lexa and continued walking. “They have for the both of us.”

Lexa stopped walking and stared at Clarke, “No,” Lexa said, “I don’t think I would have come back.”

Clarke stopped too and turned around. They were just around another corner. “Why not?”

“Because there’s nothing to come back to.”

Clarke slowly walked back to the agent. Lexa’s curls had stuck to her forehead and the raindrops were getting in her eyes, making her sight blurry. Her shirt was wet and it clung to her body. She was so cold that she feels like her fingers are going to fall off. Suddenly going out for a walk seemed like the worst idea.

“Lexa …”

Clarke’s voice was soft and she was standing in Lexa’s personal space that the brunette could feel her warm breath on her skin.

Lexa slowly shook her head and step back. She caught Clarke’s hand before it could brush the strand of hair on her forehead. “Clarke … Don’t …Don’t do this.” she whispered.

“Don’t do what?”

“This.” Lexa let go of Clarke’s hand. Her fingers almost intertwined with the blonde but Lexa pulled away. “I think this was a bad idea. I should go.”

Lexa walked past Clarke and rounded the corner. She could see the hotel in the distance. Suddenly she heard Clarke behind her and it made her turn around.

“Why? Just tell me why, Lexa. Please.” Clarke held back the tears.

“What do you want me to say, Clarke?” Lexa sighed. “That I regretted walking away from you, from everyone? Because I do. I know what I did was stupid and probably unforgivable but I have found my way and moved on and so have you.” Lexa forced a smile and looked at Clarke. “We’re both with different people now. We’ve changed. And no matter how hard we try, we can’t glue back the broken pieces in the hopes of fixing something that we both know we can’t fix. Sometimes … Sometimes things are better left the way they are.” Lexa turned around and walked towards the hotel.

“Wait! Lexa!” Clarke called and ran after the brunette. “Lexa, don’t leave.” She hugged Lexa from behind and pressed her faced between Lexa’s shoulder blades. She didn’t bother to stop the tears this time. “Please don’t leave me again.” Clarke said in a broken whisper.

“Clarke...”

The blonde felt Lexa turn around and after a moment strong arms enveloped her. Now that she held Clarke in her arms, she realized what she had missed all these years. She missed feeling this whole and complete. “Don’t cry.” she hushed. Lexa rested her chin on top of Clarke’s head, threaded her fingers through blonde hair and tightened her grip as Clarke’s arms tightened around her waist and rested her head on Lexa’s chest.

“I made mistakes, Clarke.” Lexa whispered softly, “Mistakes that cannot be undone. I can’t change what I did.”

“You don’t have to,” Clarke answered.

Clarke looked up and blue locked on green. Time seemed to stop and there was nothing else but the two of them in this moment. Did it really have to come to this for them to truly see each other now that they’re living different lives? What they saw in each other’s eyes reflected what they feel. What they’ve always felt.

Lexa closed her eyes and leaned forward, resting her forehead against Clarke’s. “There’s someone … Back in Washington …”

“Don’t” Clarke cut her off, “Don’t say it. I don’t want to know.”

Before Lexa could speak, soft lips were suddenly pressing against here without warning. After a few moments, Clarke pulled back and bit her lip, ending a moment that was filled with bliss, longing and sadness. Embarrassed by what she did, Clarke bowed her head. The claws of betrayal latched itself in the depths of her stomach but the sense of longing was much more powerful and overwhelming.

Slender fingers cupped Clarke’s chin and tilted her head upwards. Before Clarke could react, Lexa’s lips were on hers. This time the kiss was different. It was less hesitant. It wasn’t the kind of kiss that sent fireworks exploding behind your eyes or a first kiss that’ll sweep you off your feet. It was a kiss that felt like a missing puzzle pieces has finally been found and the whole thing was complete. Lexa threaded her fingers through blonde hair and pulled the woman closer to her as she deepened the kiss and felt Clarke smile against her lips. Lexa suppressed the moan at the back of her throat when Clarke ran her tongue across her bottom lip and carefully, and a little hesitant, Lexa opened her mouth and met Clarke’s tongue with her own.

Time froze and nothing else existed but the two of them.

When the need for air became impossible to ignore, Lexa was the first one to pull away. Green eyes slowly opened and were greeted by blue eyes that were glossy with tears.

“I … I’m Raven.” Clarke began, “Lexa, I … we shouldn’t …”

“I know.” Lexa whispered. “This is one of the things I’ve screwed up.”  She cupped Clarke’s cheek and wiped the tears and the raindrops on the blonde’s face. Green eyes searched Clarke’s face and she sadly smiled. “I know I’ve lost you, Clarke. And I’ve already accept that you can never be mine.” Lexa planted a soft kiss on Clarke’s forehead. Her hand slipped from Clarke’s cheek and she turned around, ready to walk away. She stopped when soft hands grabbed her wrist and gently pulled her back.

“I honestly can’t believe I’m about to do this.” Clarke muttered under her breath as she closed the distance between her and Lexa once again. Clarke licked her lips and her throat was suddenly dry and even in the dim light that the streetlight was providing, Lexa saw the flash of sudden desire in Clarke’s eyes. “Take me inside.”

Lexa’s eyes widened, “Clarke … I … We can’t. We’re both with different people.”

“Please,” Clarke whispered and intertwined their fingers, “Otherwise we’ll never know. Please.”

Without speaking, Lexa grabbed Clarke’s hand in a firm hold and led the blonde through the hotel door and the lobby and to the elevator. Silently they stood side by side, their hands link together as they waited. When the doors open, Lexa stepped out and Clarke followed behind.

They reached the door of Lexa’s hotel room and the brunette’s eyes lingered on the door across from her. The words Anya told her echoed through her mind.

_You’re still in love with her._

_…._

_I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t think this will result in to something you’ll regret._

When she felt Clarke press her body against her own, the feeling of her breast against her back and soft lips assaulting her neck, her heart rate increased and she swallowed the dryness of her throat. With trembling hands she fished out her keycard. She swiped it and the door swung open and she and Clarke stepped inside the dark room.

They were momentarily blinded when the lights automatically came on as they walked in and Lexa turned around faster than Clarke expected. They both saw how dark the other’s eyes were and the flickering lust in them. Clarke licked her lips and bit her bottom lip and that was the thing that caused Lexa to lose the last bit of self-control she had. Hungry lips crashed together, hands wandered and roamed freely, tugging and peeling away items of clothing it touches.

Lexa backed up Clarke against the wall and assaulted the doctor’s neck with kisses, not caring if she leaves a mark. She sucked hard on Clarke’s pulse point and ran her tongue over the mark, making Clarke moan in approval. Shaking hands fumbled with their buttons and zippers and soon their pants were thrown aside. Clarke leaned forward and took Lexa’s lips in a bruising kiss that resulted in a deep moan coming from the brunette. Lexa’s strong arms lifted Clarke by her thighs and pinned her against the wall, Clarke wrapped her legs around Lexa and pulled her closer. The brunette could feel the heat and the wetness of the blonde’s center against her stomach causing her to groan. Lexa was more than sure she was just as wet as Clarke.

“Take me to bed.” Clarke whispered against Lexa’s lips.

Warm bodies were pressed together as Lexa carried Clarke and walked them towards the direction of the bedroom, leaving behind a trail of shoes and wet clothing and the past they’ve tried so hard to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...
> 
> should I hide now? :P


	11. The Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so sorry that it has been a while since I last update. I did this in a whim and it's almost 3am and so this is isn't edited/checked. Forgive me if there are any mistakes and errors.
> 
> Enjoy this chapter!

There are four things Lexa’s senses told her the moment she was pulled out of her deep slumber.

  1. It’s raining hard outside.
  2. She’s cold
  3. She’s very much naked
  4. And a soft hand was drawing lazy circles on her stomach.



She sighed at the feeling and a sleepy smile made its way on her lips. Lazy green eyes fluttered opened and for just a moment her brain failed to understand why she’s seeing blonde hair instead of brunette or whose soft hands were softly caressing her naked body. But then, memories of last night suddenly came and flooded her mind. She glanced at the woman beside her and found Clarke looking at her. The blonde doctor smiled when she saw Lexa was awake. Somehow her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. Lexa felt herself drowning in the intensity of Clarke’s gaze.

“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice was still thick and raspy from sleep. Her voice sounded so small and vulnerable and Clarke couldn’t help but feel like she’s the only one who has the privilege to see past Lexa’s walls.

Clarke leaned in and kissed Lexa’s cheek, “Go back to sleep, Lex.”

Mind still foggy with sleep, Lexa nodded and scooted closer to Clarke, resting her head on the blonde’s chest. She was drifting off to sleep when she felt arms envelop her and soft lips on the top of her head.

* * *

 

 The next time Lexa woke, rain was still pouring down. Thick drops of rain were pounding on the window causing the agent to stir awake. She was on her stomach with the sheets covering her naked body. Her eyes fluttered open as the sound of rain was finally registered in her mind. She turned her head to find the other side of the bed void of the blonde doctor. She tentatively reached a hand out and found the sheets are cold.

“Clarke?” she called out.

Images from what happened last night flashed before her eyes. _Clarke._ She was here, in her room, in her arms, in her bed. She made love to Clarke in a way she never made love to anyone before in her life. Somehow, in spite the fact that last night was the first night they’ve been intimate with each other, Clarke knew her weak spots and has done things to her that nobody else had ever done. Just remembering Clarke’s body pressed against her was enough to send a familiar throb between her legs.

Lexa called out again and when there was no answer, she sat up and looked around. The clock on the bedside table flashed _5:30AM_ in big bright red numbers. Her gaze drifted around the bedroom and saw clothes littered the floor. She recognized her own clothing but she realized that Clarke’s clothes were missing.

She was gone.

“Fuck.” The brunette muttered. She buried her head between her hands. “Why did I let this happen?”

She shivered as she pulled the covers off of her and slipped out of bed. She padded across the room butt naked and into the bathroom, hoping that Clarke was just inside and taking a shower. Lexa knew, deep down, that she wouldn’t see the blonde when she opens the bathroom door. But she can’t help the way her heart sank when she found the bathroom empty.

She saw her reflection on the mirror and her eyes lingered on the dark purple mark just below her collarbone, she circled it with a finger and remembered how Clarke’s lips felt on her body and how she left this mark. Tears welled up in her eyes without warning and she quickly turned around and turned on the shower. She winced when she felt the water was a little bit too hot and made contact with her skin but she didn’t care.

_What have I done?_

Clarke must’ve left in the middle of the night after she fell back asleep. All she remembers was their time together was unlike anything else, it felt endless and at the end they had fallen asleep wrapped in each other’s arms. Lexa swore she heard their hearts beat in sync. But somehow, Clarke slipped away and left.

_I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t think this will result in to something you’ll regret._

“Goddamn it!” She punched the shower wall and cringed when she felt the sting. Tears mixed with the water pouring down on her. She ached  and the pain began to spread inside of her; it crept in her chest, into her heart, before making its way into every cell in her body. She had never felt something so intense.

She almost doubled-over when she remembered Costia will be here in a couple of hours and her heart dropped straight into her stomach. She scrubbed and rinsed and stepped out of the shower, dried herself and walked back in the bedroom. She slipped into black pants and a green button down. She grabbed a blazer in the closet and when she turned around, she saw the tangled sheets on the bed and memories from last night came flooding back and she felt her heart slowly breaking. She closed her eyes and Lexa could smell Clarke’s perfume, she felt how soft her hair was tangled in her fingers, she could the moans and the sounds of pleasure.

Her eyes snapped open and shook her head. _STOP IT, LEXA._

The agent hastily left the room after grabbing her badge and strapping her gun holster in place. Hurried footsteps echoed down the corridor as Lexa made her way to the elevator. As she stepped inside the elevator, she looked down and avoided her reflection; she couldn’t stomach to see herself. Gone were the feelings of yearning and longing, the buzz and warmth she felt when Clarke’s lips were on hers were gone and all that remained was the feeling of shame, pain, anger, and resentment.

As Lexa stepped outside, she looked up at the grey skies. The rain was pouring down relentlessly and unforgiving, and the wind surely wasn’t making things any better. The sounds of thunder can be heard and bolts of lightning illuminate the gray skies. Large puddles had formed in the streets and she had to take a few steps back when she hailed a cab to avoid being sprayed by muddy water. She got in the cab and as soon she slammed the door closed, her heart dropped as she suddenly realized that Clarke did the same thing in the middle of night. The brunette tried to shake away the vision of the blonde walking alone outside the hotel under the pouring rain as she walks back to her car but it was already too late; the image had already tattooed itself onto her brain and Lexa felt her heart wrench.

The sound of the cab driver’s voice kicked her out of thoughts, “Where to?”

“JFK International Airport.” Lexa answered. She tried to keep the tremor and tears out of her voice but she was failing.

“Arrivals or Departures?” The driver looked at the rear view mirror and she caught his curious glance.

“Arrivals”

She’d be way too early to be at the airport to pick up Costia but it was better to be at her hotel room and be reminded of what transpired in there last night. She leaned her head against the window and watched as the raindrops hit the window. Traffic was still light but Lexa know that in an hour the streets would be filled with private cars and buses.

Lexa spent the entire ride playing the events that took place the previous night. She could vividly see the way the blonde’s eyes and the emotions swimming in them just before they closed when Lexa connected their lips. She saw how broken Clarke was and the pain she saw on those blue eyes was pressing a heavy weight on her chest knowing she was the reason behind it. She completely lost herself in Clarke; like she always do in the past. She had lost herself in those sparkling blue eyes more than times than she dared to admit and last night was no exception. She had let herself get lost again. She let go and let herself be carried away by the tidal wave that was Clarke Griffin. And Lexa Woods was more than willing to drown in it.

She was so caught up in her own world that she hadn’t notice that the cab had pulled over the taxi lane and that they had reached their destination. She looked up startled when the driver cleared his throat, “Ma’am, we’re here.” Lexa pulled out her wallet and paid the driver. She then climbed out of the cab and quickly made her way toward as the arrivals terminal, making a bee line for the first coffee shop she saw. There weren’t much people at the terminal and so Lexa found a table easily. Slowly sipping her coffee, she scanned and observed the scene around her; friends reuniting, families coming back from a vacation, businessmen and women looking exhausted and probably returning from a meeting in a different state or country. The minutes passed slowly and Lexa picked at her honey glazed doughnut without actually eating it. Time was moving slow. Too slow.

Then she felt her phone vibrating and she fished it out of her pocket. When she saw the caller ID she almost choked on her coffee and a few drops dribbled down her chin. Clarke Griffin. Her thumb hovered over the “accept” button but at the last minute pressed the “ignore” one. She released the breathe she was holding and placed her phone on the table; half expecting Clarke to call her back.

By the time she drank her coffee and her doughnut was torn in pieces, her phone was still silent. Clarke didn’t call back. She was just about to stand when she saw the screen lit up and she answered the call without bothering to check the caller ID.

 “I was knocking on your door. Where the hell are you?” She heard Anya say at the end of the line. Lexa sighed and she tried to swallow her disappointment down.

“At the airport.” Lexa replied. “Costia’s coming to New York, remember?”

“This early? I thought her flight doesn’t land until 10?” When Lexa didn’t answer, Anya continued. “Anyway, I just wanted to know how it went with the doctor last night.

The lump that was suddenly in Lexa’s throat felt like it was as big as a tennis ball and the brunette found it hard to talk. “We talked.” Lexa offered. She did her best to sound calm. If Anya knew what happened last night, she had no doubt Anya was going to kick her ass.

“About?”

Lexa stuffed in free hand in her pocket and started to walk around the terminal, “Stuff.”

“What stuff?” Anya pressed.

“Just stuff.”

An audible sigh was heard and Lexa could just picture Anya pinching the bridge of her nose with how difficult Lexa was acting right now.

“Come, Lex! You haven’t seen each other in two years. I’m sure you two talked about something more than some regular mundane stuff.”

“She’s happy with Raven.” Lexa let the words slip from her mouth and if Anya noticed the tinge of sadness laced with it, the woman didn’t mention it. Somehow saying the words out loud only caused her to hurt more and she suddenly had a solid grip on her phone that her knuckles are turning white.

“You don’t need to be a detective to see that.” The voice on the other line sounded hollow and distant and Lexa guessed that she might be on speaker phone.

“I’m happy that she’s happy.”

 _Are you really?_ Lexa asked herself.

“Whatever you say, Lexa. I’m headed to the precinct now. I’ll see you in a few hours?” Anya said.

Lexa was looking at the board of incoming flights and saw that it would be another two hours before Costia’s plane would be landing.

“Yeah.” Lexa answered. “And when you get there, tell Octavia and Lincoln to prepare and organize the incident room for when Costia and I arrive.” She paused, debating whether to say what’s on her mind. “And ask Clarke if she wants to join. I think it’d help if she hears the profile too.”

“Why don’t you call and ask her.”

“I don’t to bother her that much.” Lexa knew it was a lame excuse but was thankful when Anya let it slipped.

“Alright. I’ll see you and Costia later.”

She hung up and scrolled through her contacts, stopping when she found the name she was looking for. She knew she should’ve answered Clarke’s call earlier but she just didn’t know what to say to the blonde. After releasing a deep breath, Lexa clicked Clarke’s name and placed the phone on her ear. It rang once, twice and kept ringing until eventually she reached Clarke’s voice mail. Lexa felt a pang in her chest when she hear the woman’s voice.

_“This is Doctor Clarke Griffin. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as my hands are out of the body they are currently in.”_

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at the message. At the sound of the beep, she cleared her throat.

“Hey, Clarke. It’s me. I’m sorry for not answering your call earlier. I just … I uh, I guess I just don’t know what to say. I still don’t. I noticed you were gone when I woke and I just want to say that I … I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Clarke. I don’t know what else to say. If you get this message, please, call me back.”

* * *

 

 Lexa waited in the arrivals terminal for another hour and half. The board in front of her showed that Costia’s flight arrived half an hour earlier than it was scheduled. She noticed her palms became sweaty when she saw the word “landed” beside Costia’s flight and by the time the doors opened and people started walking in; her anxiety was off the charts. There was a voice at the back of her head screaming at her to just turn around and walk away. She could just text Costia and tell her she was needed at the precinct and that she’ll just meet her there. She wasn’t sure she can stomach looking at Costia in the eye after what she did last night.

The doors opened again and this time, Lexa was glued to her spot. She felt her heart fluttered when she saw a familiar brunette haired woman but then drop straight down to her toes when she saw her girlfriend looking around, she was smiling and it was clear that Costia was thrilled to see Lexa. Lexa shook her head to clear her thoughts and took a few steps forward, walking directly in to the line of sight of the brunette. When she saw Costia had seen her, she didn’t think i would have been possible that the smile on the profiler’s face could grow any bigger and brighter.

“Lexa!” Costia ran up to Lexa and hugged the agent. “ I missed you so much.”

Lexa smiled and wrapped an arm around Costia, hugging her back. “Me too.” Lexa pulled back and grabbed Costia’s luggage. The profiler softly kissed her on the cheek and hooked her arm around Lexa’s as they walked out the terminal.

“How was your flight? Lexa asked.

“It wasn’t that bad, considering the weather.” Costia answered. She then took in her girlfriend’s appearance and noticed the faint dark rings around her eyes. “Jesus, Lex, you look terrible.”

“You would too if you spent hours digging through old case files and evidence.” Lexa answered. She then looked at Costia. “I’m really glad that you’re here Costia. The team really needs your help.”

At that, Costia’s face dropped a little. She detected the professionalism in Lexa’s voice and even though she knew this wasn’t a personal trip, somewhere inside of her hurt that Lexa jumped straight to business. “Of course, anything for you.”

Lexa smiled and hailed a cab. She placed the luggage at the trunk and they both climbed at the back seat. They passed by the hotel first and dropped off Costia’s luggage and then headed straight to the precinct.

“I already asked them to set up the incident room for you. They should be ready now.”

“I’ve read the file on the plane and started on a preliminary profile of your copy cat. I probably have everything I need but any more details would be helpful.”

During the 20 minute ride to the precinct, Lexa gave Costia some details and information that wasn’t on the file she read on the way here. She stuck to the case and to the case alone. She used it as a distraction to block out the overwhelming guilt that’s consuming her inside out. They managed to keep their working and personal relationship apart quite well, and sometimes, not so much. Costia was here because Lexa needed her help as a profiler, not as her girlfriend. Or at least that’s what she was trying to tell herself.

When they arrived at the station, Lexa walked ahead and led Costia in the elevator. Her heart was beating in a ridiculously fast pace and her palms are starting to sweat again. She jabbed the button for the Homicide Department and the elevator started to move. When the doors opened, Lexa walked out of the elevator and walked straight to the doors of the bullpen, opening them and letting Costia walk in first and then following behind her.

“Costia!” They heard Anya exclaimed and they saw her walking towards them with a smile on her face. “It’s good to see you here. We could really use your help with this one. Not to mention that fact that Lexa has been sulking the moment we left DC”

Costia smiled back, “You know I could never say no to you broody sister.”

Costia and Anya laughed when Lexa pouted and mumble that wasn’t moody and that it was rude to talk about her like she wasn’t standing beside them. The brunette profiler couldn’t help it, Lexa just looked so cute and quickly pressed a soft kiss on Lexa’s lips and laced their fingers. The feel of having Costia’s fingers intertwined against hers  caused a warm tingling sensation to spread on her chest. It felt right. One of the things she loved the most was hearing Costia’s laughter. She missed Costia. She really did. Maybe having Costia here is just what she needed to distract herself from thinking about Cla—

“Clarke, I’m glad you can join us.”

Lexa’s eyes went wide and she whipped her head around to see Clarke standing by the open doors of the bullpen. She was wearing a simple gray silk button down tucked inside a pair of white pants. And she saw that she wasn’t looking at Anya who announced her arrival. No, Clarke Griffin was looking directly at Lexa’s hand that was holding Costia’s hand. When Clarke looked up, their eyes found each other and they shared a look; a look that said more than a thousand words and conveyed the emotions that both women wouldn’t admit to themselves. If Lexa had been more aware of her surroundings she would’ve have seen the curious gaze of Anya as she looked at Lexa and then to Clarke and back to Lexa, trying to figure out what happened between the two last night to cause this new level of tension.

Costia, completely oblivious to the tension around them or maybe she was pretending, pulled away from Lexa and walked towards Clarke. She smiled when she reached Clarke and extended her hand.

“Costia Greene. I’m Lexa’s partner.” Costia offered.

_Lexa closed her eyes and leaned forward, resting her forehead against Clarke’s. “There’s someone … Back in Washington …”_

_“Don’t” Clarke cut her off, “Don’t say it. I don’t want to know.”_

_Before Lexa could speak, soft lips were suddenly pressing against here without warning._

Clarke forced a smile and took Costia’s hand and shook it. “Clarke Griffin. I was Lexa’s best friend.”

All Lexa could do was stare and watch as the inevitable finally happened; her past and her present had finally met.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Clarke and Costia finally met. Hmmm, what happens next? 
> 
> I like comments. Write one down :)


	12. The Morning After part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I thought I'd write a chapter with Clarke's POV the morning after she and Lexa slept together. I hope I did it justice. Enjoy!

_“Hey, Clarke. It’s me. I’m sorry for not answering your call earlier. I just … I uh, I guess I just don’t know what to say. I still don’t. I noticed you were gone when I woke up and I just want to say that I … I’m sorry. I’m sorry Clarke. I don’t know what else to say. If you get this message, please, call me back.”_

Clarke had listened to the voicemail for the fifth time. Red puffy eyes and the dry water marks on her cheeks were evidence that she had been crying. Her shoulders shook as the sound of Lexa’s voice filled her apartment. When the message ended, she turned her phone off and stood up from the stool she had been sitting on.

The blonde knew that she should have regretted what happened last night; she knew that she should have felt guilty that she cheated on Raven, both physically and emotionally. Clarke let herself succumb to her inner desires and what shocked her most was not because she slept with Lexa; it’s the realization that she didn’t regret it. Clarke had been studying Lexa’s features when the brunette woke up, and instead of moving away like she was suppose to when Lexa scooted over and snuggled against her, the blonde wrapped her arms around the sleeping brunette and pulled her close. It hit her then.

_This is wrong._ Her mind screamed at her.

_But how could something that feels so right be wrong?_ Her heart countered.

Shaking her head, she slowly untangled herself from the sleeping brunette and slipped out of the sheets. She stumbled in the darkness of the room and tried her best to locate her clothes and quickly got dressed. When she turned around to have a last glimpse of the woman sleeping on the bed, brunette curls splayed all over the pillow and her arm stretched, as if reaching for Clarke in the empty side of the bed, she realized that all she wanted in that moment was to crawl back under the covers and feel Lexa’s body against her.

_But you can’t,_ her mind tells her, _this isn’t where you’re supposed to be_.

So she walked out of Lexa’s hotel room and left; thinking that this was the best thing to do.

She got home just a little after four in the morning and noticed that someone was asleep on her couch. She felt her heart drop to the floor at the sight of the detective.

_Raven_.

Carefully she made her way towards the couch and knelt down, noticing the half empty bottle of vodka on the table. She sighed and lightly shakes the sleeping detective, waking her up. “Rae, wake up.”

A groan was heard.

“Rae, wake up. You can’t sleep on the couch. You hate sleeping on the couch.”

“Clarke?” Raven’s voice was raspy from sleep, “What time is it?”

“It’s a little past four. Why are you in my apartment?”

Raven slowly sat up on the couch, letting out a yawn and rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “You gave me a key, remember?”

Clarke nodded and sat beside Raven, “But why are you here?”

“You didn’t come.”

“What?”

“You told me you were coming to the Dropship but you didn’t show up.”

Clarke mentally kicked herself; how could she forget? She was planning to go after she had spoken to Lexa. But then things happened, words were exchanged, they kissed, and one thing lead to another and the next thing Clarke knew she was moaning and whimpering under Lexa’s touch.

“I lost track of time.” _That wasn’t a lie._

“I came by around 10 and you weren’t here. Where were you?”

_With Lexa._

“I got called to the hospital, something about a consult.”

The lie felt heavy as it passed through her lips. It made her skin crawl and it was as if there was an invincible weight pressing against her chest. She was praying to whatever god was up there that Raven buy it and would let it go, but the blonde could feel the detective’s eyes on her; as if those brown eyes were silently saying that she knew that she was lying. But then the detective simply nodded and got up, slightly swaying as she made her way to the door. Clarke was behind her in an instant. Raven smelled of alcohol and even if she knew Raven can handle her liquor, Clarke will be damned if she let Raven drive home intoxicated.  “Oh, no. You’re not driving home in this state.” She snatched the keys from Raven’s hand and threw them in the bowl on the table beside the door. She heard Raven grumble something gibberish under her breath and tried a poor attempt to maneuver around Clarke to get her keys.

“Clarke, give me my keys.” Raven demanded.

Clarke just shook her head and pulled Raven with her towards her bedroom. She laid the drunken woman down on the bed and undressed her until she was down to her panties and undershirt. The blonde brushed a strand of hair behind Raven’s ear and the brunette leaned in the touch, smiling up at the blonde.

“I love you, Clarke.”

Clarke suddenly found it hard to breath and she could feel the tears starting to build up. A sickening feeling was gnawing at the pit of her stomach and was forcing its way up her chest and squeezing at her heart. She forced a smile and kissed Raven’s forehead. “Sleep, Rae.” Once the blonde was certain that the detective was sleeping, she let out a long heavy sigh and left the room. She padded into the bathroom, stripped her clothes off and stepped in the shower. As she showered, she scrubbed her body until her skin turned red, washing away the traces and smell of Lexa lingering on her skin. But the hot water pouring down on her could only wash away the physical evidence of what transpired between the two last night, soap studs and water went down the drain but the memories and the images that appear behind her eyelids whenever she closes her eyes are still there. She couldn’t forget how Lexa’s lips felt on her skin, how Lexa’s fingers were shaking as the brunette stripped her of her clothes, she could still feel Lexa’s soft touches against her skin.

Clarke looked down at the faint scar on both of her wrists and swallowed the lump in her throat. She hadn’t told Lexa about them. She tried to keep it hidden whenever the brunette was around and the only time Lexa saw them was the day when she first arrived at the precinct. Since then, Clarke took extra precautions to ensure that Lexa won’t see them and raise any concerns from the brunette. During their intimate experience last night, Clarke was worried that Lexa would see the scars but she sighed in relief when the room was just dark enough and that Lexa didn’t seem to notice them. These scars were a reminded of a dark time and she couldn’t find it in herself to share that piece of her to Lexa. Yes, Lexa may be the reason why Clarke had these scars, both physically and emotionally, but Clarke knows that the blame isn’t just on Lexa. And Clarke knows that if Lexa founds out the story behind these scars, Lexa wouldn’t be able to forgive herself. Clarke may not have fully forgiven Lexa for leaving, and the wounds may not be fully healed, but Clarke thinks she understood why Lexa left. She understood Lexa’s need to protect herself from the unbearable pain of seeing someone you love, love someone else. She understood it. She just wasn’t sure if she could forgive Lexa just yet.

Changing into sweatpants and a tank top, Clarke grabbed some pillows and a blanket and curled up on the couch. She couldn’t face Raven, not yet at least. Not after the lies she just told her and what she did. After an hour of just tossing and turning around, Clarke gave up on sleeping and made her way to the kitchen, setting the kettle on the stove and heating up some water to make tea. While waiting, she sat on a stool and looked at her phone. It’s only six in the morning but Clarke knew Lexa is an early riser, and it’s as if her hands have a mind of its own, and the next thing she knew, she was calling Lexa. Her heart pounded wildly in her chest as she listened to the rings. _One. Two. Three._ And then it went dead. Clarke pulled her phone back and stared at the screen. Lexa ignored the call.

_Was she regretting what happened last night?_

The blonde bit her lip and kept the tears that were threatening to spill at bay. Just then the kettle started to whistle and she moved to turn off the stove. She made herself a cup of tea and took little sips while her mind took her to places that made her ache for the presence of a certain brunette. She jumped slightly when her phone rang and when she saw who was calling, her heart rate spiked up again.

_Lexa._

She didn’t even know why she called the agent. And now that the agent was calling her back, she wasn’t sure she wanted to answer that call. Before she could make up her mind, her phone stopped ringing and a few seconds later the screen lit up again saying she had a voicemail. With shaky hands she unlocked her phone, played the voicemail and brought the phone up to her ear. The moment she heard Lexa’s voice, tears sprung from her eyes despite her best efforts to stop them, she bit the inside of her cheeks to stop the sounds that’s threatening to come out of her mouth. She hadn’t expected that just hearing the other woman’s voice will have this effect on her. Lexa’s voice was so soft and gentle and even so, Clarke could hear the pain in them. She could hear the longing and loss in that voice.

After listening to the voicemail over and over again, Clarke shook her head and stood up from the stool; her tea had gone cold and was forgotten. She couldn’t stay here. Not when Raven was sleeping peacefully in her room and the guilt she felt for not even regretting her actions last night was eating her alive. She needed to leave. As quietly as she could, she entered her bedroom and quickly dressed up for work. Might as well use her work as a distraction, she thought. Before leaving, she grabbed a piece of paper and wrote a note. She left it at the bedside table for Raven to see when she wakes up together with a glass of water and two aspirins.

_Had to leave for work early. Take the aspirin and drink the whole glass, you drank quite a bit last night. I’ll see you in a few hours. –Clarke_

 

* * *

 

Clarke had arrived at the station 15 minutes ago but the moment she parked her car, she suddenly felt the urge to turn the car around and lock herself up in her apartment.

_What if I see Lexa?_ She asked herself.

_Don’t be ridiculous. The homicide unit is six floors above you._ She scolded herself.

She shook her head on how stupid she must look debating with herself and turned off the engine and climbed out of the car. Crossing the parking lot, she pushed open the door to the station and smiled at the cop at the front desk and headed straight for the elevators. She pressed the B1 button and the metal box started its slow descend towards the morgue. The click of her heels echoed through the hallway as she walked past the labs and the morgue and into the office of the medical examiner. She was a little early to be at work but she didn’t mind. Since she started working here, she found the quietness of the morgue soothing and it helped her relax and calmed down.

Clarke flicked a switch and light flooded the room. She walked towards the desk and grabbed a stack of folders that were there. _Might as well read this reports and check them_. She told herself as she settled on the couch that was placed on the corner of the office, Abby had put it there when she had to stay late for work and was too spent to travel back home. Clarke had imagined her mom passing out on this couch with autopsy reports spread around her.

Halfway through reading a lab report, the loud ringing of her phone broke the silence that had enveloped her and she fished around her bag until her fingers grasped the device and answered the call.

“Doctor Griffin.” She answered.

“Doctor Griffin, It’s Agent Callaway” Clarke stiffened when she heard the name. _Why is she calling? Did Lexa talk to her? Had Lexa told her what happened last night?_ “Is this a bad time?”

“No, no. It’s alright.” Clarke said, “What can I do for you, Agent Callaway?”

“Our profiler will be joining us this morning around 10 to provide us a more detailed profile on our copycat. We thought that it’d be a good idea if you and the other Doctor Griffin joined us since you’re both working on the case as well.”

“Oh.” Clarke heaved a sighed. She was planning to hide down here and avoid seeing Lexa but it seemed the gods of faith had a different plan for her. Just the thought of seeing Lexa after what happened last night both terrified and excited her at the same time. Clarke wasn’t sure if she can trust herself to not reach out and touch Lexa when she finally had a taste of what it feels like to be close the brunette. Not to mention the fact that Raven will surely be there; having Raven and Lexa in the same room is not exactly something she was really looking forward to. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Yeah, of course. We’ll be there.”

“Great. I’ll see you at 10, Doctor Griffin.”

The call ended and Clarke tossed the phone on the couch beside her and tried to get back to reading the report she was reading before the call but when she had read the same paragraph in the past five minutes without really understanding the words, she gave up and tossed the report on the table in front of her and leaned back on the couch. She felt her phone vibrate signaling a text message.

**_Raven:_** Good morning, princess. Thank you for the water and the aspirin.

**_Clarke:_** Anything for you. No hangover?

**_Raven_** : Nope. Thanks to you ;)

Clarke bit her lower lip and tried to push back the feeling of guilt trying to break free inside her. Raven seemed to believe her last night.

**_Raven:_** A profiler from the FBI will be coming and help us know the copycat better. Want to join us? I can drop by the morgue and we can head up together.

**_Clarke:_** Agent Callaway already asked me and I said yes.

**_Raven:_** My my, doctor. Cheating on me with an FBI Agent?

It was like a bucket of ice cold water has been dumped on her and she lost all her senses. Her chest hurt, her lungs are refusing to accept air, and her heart is ridiculously beating at a fast pace.

She couldn’t possibly know, could she?

_Breathe, Clarke. Breathe. Raven is just messing around._

**_Clarke:_** Well, Agent Callaway is pretty damn hot if I say so myself.

**_Raven:_** You have exquisite taste in woman, Griffin ;) So I’ll see you at 10?

**_Clarke:_** Yeah. I’ll see you at 10.

**_Raven:_** Can’t wait! I miss you already. I love you. :)

**_Clarke:_** Love you.

Clarke leaned back on the couch and wondered not for the first what the hell she was doing.

 

* * *

 

 And so that’s how Clarke found herself staring at those striking chocolate eyes.

“Costia Greene. I’m Lexa’s partner.” Costia smiled and extended her hand for Clarke to shake. Clarke clenched her jaw at the word “partner” and forced herself not to show how much that single word affected. She remembered Lexa telling her that there was someone back in Washington but instead she surged forward and stopped whatever words that were suppose to come out of Lexa’s lips with a kiss.

Clarke forced a smile on her face even though every cell in her body screamed at her to turn around and run. She gripped Costia’s hand and shook it. “Clarke Griffin. I was Lexa’s best friend.”  

Costia raised an eyebrow at her as she pulled her hand away. “Was?”

Before Clarke could answer, Anya cleared her throat and jerked a thumb behind her, pointing at the incident room where Lieutenant Hosh, Lincoln, Octavia, and Raven are already waiting. “I hate to break up this little “let’s get to know each other” vibe but we better join the others inside. They’re waiting for us. And Lieutenant Hosh seems like she’s about to chop someone’s head off if we keep her waiting for much longer.”

Lexa nodded her head eagerly, desperate to get out of this awkward situation she found herself into. Anya looked at her curiously but Lexa just waved her off and took Costia’s hand and led her inside the incident room.

“Is she Lexa’s …” The words got stuck in Clarke’s throat and she tried to swallow it down. But Anya seemed to know what she was asking because she nodded.

Clarke knew there was someone. She knew because Lexa tried to tell her. But that someone didn’t actually exist for Clarke until now. For Clarke, Costia didn’t exist last night. Costia didn’t exist when Clarke kiss Lexa and told her that they’ll never know if they didn’t try. Costia didn’t exist when Clarke was mapping out Lexa’s body with her mouth. Costia didn’t exist when Clarke got lost looking in those emerald eyes that never failed to take her breath away.

But Costia does exist.

Clarke only fooled herself into believing that the woman was nothing more than just some person back in Washington that kept Lexa’s bed warm. But now that she met her, she could see it.

Costia Greene isn’t just some person.

She knows because she saw the way Lexa was looking at Costia. She knows because, at some point before their lives were turned up side down, Lexa used to look at her the same way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments? suggestions? any violent reactions? :P


	13. Too Late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OHMYGOD IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG i'm not gonna lie, i kinda lost interest in this fic but no worries! i ill finish writing it :) 
> 
> also pardon me if the chapter is shorter than the rest and has errrors, i just finished writing it and haven't checked it.

“To understand the copycat we have to understand the person he’s copying,” Costia said and pointed to a photo of Cage Wallace. “Cage Wallace was—is a psychopath and possibly as sociopath as well. He did not feel happiness or sadness nor did he feel anything remorse of guilt on what he has done. Quite frankly, I’m assuming all he felt was satisfaction after his kills. The killing itself wasn’t necessarily a compulsion but the way he tortured and killed his victims.” The profiler felt all eyes on her as she continued to speak, “Despite his troubled and messy past, Cage was well organized and liked to plan everything. He liked order. He liked structure.”

“Is that why he picked-up where the Apostle Killer left off?” Raven asked

The profiler nodded, “Yes. It almost looked like a safety net for him. He just had to follow in the steps of Cage Wallace. Although, this copycat doesn’t have the same reasons. More often than not, copycats are people who just wanted their fifteen minutes of fame.”

“Yeah, but we know our copycat isn’t looking for their fifteen minutes of fame.” Octavia said, “The copycat may have killed these children the same way that Cage did but he did it to lure Lexa back here in New York.”

Costia nodded and her eyes found Lexa’s, “He used dates that meant something to Lexa for her to get the message that this is something personal. He may have assumed that since Lexa was assigned to solve the original case, she’d also be assigned to this one as well. And I think it’s safe to say that he also knew that Lexa no longer worked for NYPD and had transferred to the FBI.”

“Are you saying that he’s staking her?” Octavia asked.

“No. Not exactly. Just type in a name of a person in a search bar and the internet will do the rest. He familiarized himself with Lexa to find out enough about her.”

Every now and then, Lexa would look sideways and see that Clarke has been looking at something in one of the files ever since the meeting began. Never once did the blonde looked up or said a word. Lexa wanted to reach under the table and hold her hand, she wanted to ease the worry she could see in Clarke’s face but she knew if she did, it would only make things worse.

“Our copycat knows intimate details about the works of the original killer that weren’t released to the press and made public. This suggests that out copycat had a connection with Cage Wallace; maybe a relative, a close friend, or maybe even a lover.”

 “When we caught him, his lover at that time, Carl Emerson, went off the radar and we haven’t got a clue on where he is or what happened to him.”

“Do you think Carl Emerson is behind all this?” Raven asked, “He has motive. Maybe he wanted revenge.”

 On the corner of her eye, Lexa saw Clarke’s face morph in confusion. “Clarke, what is it?” Lexa asked. Her question caught the attention of everyone in the room and caused Costia to stop speaking.

“It’s a woman. The killer is a woman.” Clarke said and looked around until her eyes landed on Costia who was standing in front of them. The profiler had been referring to the copycat as a man.

Costia blinked, “What?”

“The hair we found on Thomas Paxton’s body,” Clarke explained “The results suggested that it belonged to a woman. No match in our database.”

Costia scrunched up her face in confusion, “That doesn’t make any sense. If we take in consideration what Raven said about Wallace’s former lover, it doesn’t make sense.”

“Actually,” Clarke countered, her voice growing stronger, “Maybe it does. Raven’s theory may actually be correct. But Carl Emerson isn’t our copycat.”

“What makes you say that?” Costia challenged her.

Lexa suddenly felt uncomfortable in her seat hearing and watching Clarke and Costia contradict each other’s point of view on the case.

“Look at it this way,” Clarke began “The woman is a killer and clearly knows intimate details about the original case which suggest she and Cage had shared something between them.”

“But Cage Wallace is gay.” Costia crossed her arms over her chest and stared at Clarke, daring her to continue.

“I know that, I know about the original case.” Clarke almost snapped. The tone Costia was using on her makes her want to punch the woman, or maybe it’s just the fact that she was feeling extremely jealous. Either way her hands were itching to landed somewhere on the woman’s face. “But what if, she had been emotionally attached to Cage Wallace. But Cage already had Emerson as his lover and so her feelings were unreturned.”

“Unrequited love.” Lexa whispered and she can’t help but meet Clarke’s eyes.

Clarke nodded as she started back at those green eyes, “Yes. She loves him even though she knew she can never have him. Cage knew and took advantage of that. She did whatever Cage asked her to do.”

It was like there’s a spark of electricity that passed between them as Clarke and Lexa held each other’s gazes. Neither one of them wanted to break the spell they were in. In this moment, they could easily forget about everything and everyone.

Someone cleared their throat and snapped them out of the trance they were in, “So you’re saying, that our copycat is a woman. Not just a woman, but a delusio“Yes.” Clarke answered simply.

“That’s quite a theory, Dr. Griffin.” Indra Hosh said. She then turned to Raven and Octavia, “Reyes, Blake. Go visit Cage’s father. Ask if he knows anything about a lady friend of his son.”

Octavia muttered something under her breath saying that she was the one driving since Raven drives like an old woman. Together, the three women walked out of the room and were gone.

Costia was shocked, never in her life has anyone challenged her observations and proved her wrong, all in less than half an hour. She was pissed. “Then what does she want from Lexa? She killed these young boys to lure Lexa back here to New York, and according to each of you, used dates that meant something to her. But other than that, nothing has come up. Correct?”

“Hmm. Yes.” Clarke agreed as she stood up and gathered the medical and autopsy report she brought with her. “But as to what her intentions are, I can’t help you with that. They said they brought you here to figure out exactly how this copycat ticks. That’s your job. Correct?” She muttered a quick goodbye and walked out of the room. Lexa hesitated for a moment before getting up and followed Clarke outside. She caught up with the blonde just before she can exit the bullpen. She reached out a hand and touched Clarke’s forearm. Clarke spun around, eyes blazing and filled with tears.

“What?” She snapped.

“I just …” Lexa blinked and faltered for a second when she saw the anger in Clarke’s eyes. “I just want to say I’m sorry. I know this whole situation—”

“I’m in a relationship, Lexa!” Clarke said sharply. “I came home last night to find my girlfriend sleeping on my couch and I couldn’t bear the thought of even sleeping on the same bed with her.” Blue eyes stared on green ones. “This morning I did a lot of thinking and I thought I came to a decision on what I should do but now … God, I’m so stupid.”

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked.

“Costia,” Clarke spat out like she tasted something bitter and glared at the direction of the incident room, “How can you not tell me about her? After what happened last night, how can you—”

“Clarke, I tried to tell you last night. But you told me that you didn’t want to know. Remember? I was about to tell you but you stopped me. What was I suppose to do?” Lexa asked, her voice becoming louder.

Clarke sniffed as a few tears spilled, “I know.” She softly whispered. “I just …” Clarke reached forward and intertwined their fingers together.

“I love you.” Clarke whispered so delicately and those three words were enough to rip Lexa’s heart apart. “Last night, when we … there was a moment where I actually believed that we could be together, that we had a chance. We lost it once and maybe we finally got a second chance to do things right. I was ready to leave Raven, I was ready to end things with her and tell you that I want to give us a try. I never stopped waiting for you to come back, Lexa. But I guess it’s too late now.”

A quiet sob escaped Lexa’s throat as she listened to Clarke. She stared at those blue eyes that were drowning in tears of pain and longing. There was nothing she could say even though there were so many things she could’ve said and done. Wrong place, wrong time. Everything about this is just wrong.

“Clarke,” Lexa croaked out but Clarke let go of their hands and turned around, disappearing out of the bullpen and into the elevators. She closed her eyes and let a few tears fall before masking her face and made her way back in the incident room. She saw that the other left as well and only Costia remained inside.

“Are you going to tell me what happened between you and the blonde or are you going to make me ask?” Costia said without turning around.

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked as she approached her.

Costia sighed and turned around, “I’m a profiler, Lexa. I see things.”

“You promised never to profile me.” Lexa reminded her. “ Work is work. And our relationship is private. Those two never meet and never cross. We had a deal.”

“I didn’t have to. It was written all over your face.” Costia answered. She locked eyes with the Lexa’s and she could tell that her girlfriend is very much aware of what is happening. Costia’s face reflected the expressions of a woman who could feel and feared that something is slipping through her fingers. “So, are you going to tell me?”

Lexa held Costia’s gaze for a moment before focusing on the crime scene photos pinned on the board in front of them, “There’s nothing to tell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there's that DUN DUN DUN
> 
> also, if you haven't read it yet, i've written a new story! check it out :) http://archiveofourown.org/works/6359314


End file.
